Posts Tagged ‘Lucy Ann’

The Weekly BS

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

So I’ve wanted to actually post something for the past couple of days but things have been kind of hectic and I haven’t been able to sit down and accomplish anything. Since I’m on my lunch break and it’s a really nasty day outside I decided to stay at my desk and actually get it done.  So yay for having a 10+ day break between things.

Since the last time I posted a few things have happened but nothing overly interesting. For the superbowl I headed down to New Jersey for the day and while the day itself was relatively enjoyable the ride home was absolute agony. For some reason, out of absolutely no where, my tooth began to bother me so much so that I wound up screaming in pain for the bulk of the ride home. I have a broken wisdom tooth on my upper right side and I believe the nerve is now exposed so it’s been causing a problem over the course of the past week or so. After over a week of dealing with it I decided to call up my dental surgeon and book an appointment to have it removed. At this point it’s causing so much of an issue, physically, that it’s not worth trying to save the tooth at all. So on Monday I’m going to leave work early and head over there to get it extracted. The upside is I’ll get a prescription of antibiotics to start clearing up the issues with another tooth. I’m going to be enrolling in EDP Dental. It’s a $99 a year policy and the two dentists that I would prefer to use are both covered under this plan. The only thing I’m trying to work out is whether or not I need to have existing dental insurance because EDP is NOT an insurance policy, it’s a discount dental plan. If I don’t need regular insurance it will certainly work out pretty well for me. My surgeon is right at the top of the list for coverage which is great considering it’s going to cost me about $700 out of pocket to get my tooth removed considering I need to be sedated and they’re going to run a full work-up of xrays as well. So that gets that accomplished.

I’ve basically already spent my tax returns even though I haven’t filed them yet. The cost for extraction is going to be covered by my father until I get my check, plus I owe him money from this weekend considering Bella had to make an emergency visit to the vet as there was A LOT of blood in her urine. She’s on a heavy dosage of antibiotics for the next couple of weeks until that’s cleared up. So figure I’m instantly handing him $1,000 when the check clears. I’ll also be using the rest to completely pay off one of my credit cards. From there I’m taking another financial route that I’m hoping is going to help me out over time. I’m pretty much done with HSBC and I’ve decided to consolidate my loan through Wachovia. I still have another $7,000 to pay off on my loan and about $2,000 for my credit card through HSBC, so I’m going to Wachovia to request a personal loan for upwords of $20,000 so I can pay off all of my debt and use the rest of the money on a car. I found a car for $11,000 with only 20k miles on it and while it’s not the Chevy Equinox that I’d absolutely love to own, it’s the 09 Chevy Cobalt, it’s close to my house, it’s got a very clean interior and absolutely no external damage. Power everything, anti-theft, the bells and whistles. Of course I would be happier if there was a sunroof but at this point, considering Sean’s car has slowly been on the verge of death for quite some time – a course of action needs to be made and damn it I’m making it.

Having to only pay the loan and car insurance (which can just fall under general liability as I won’t have a lean on the car since I’m paying cash) I should hopefully be able to save some money during the month in order to accomplish more important things in life – like attempting to ENJOY life for a change.

In two days it marks the one year anniversary of Lucy’s death and I have to say that the past year has not been a good one – AT ALL. I miss her terribly and still haven’t fully dealt with it considering the series of events that happened around the same time of her passing. I don’t know if I’m now rebelling against everything but I’m taking the bull by the horns and changing my life for my better. Having to deal with all of the issues going on with school has pissed me off on a daily basis, but I’m going to do everything I can in order to get that taken care of. Once I enroll in school I’ll hope that financial aid and student loans will assist me in working towards the degree that I deserve. Being in the design industry for the past 12 years has taught me alot about running my business and the overall wants and needs of people. While I haven’t actively been into it for quite some time, due to my work schedule, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have the drive. I want to say that Lucy is the one giving me this determination. She was always my muse in life, and the fighting force behind my straight-forward way of living. I believe that she’s giving me the drive and determination to reassure me that she’s still around and will help me in death the way she helped me in life.

I do believe in ghosts, and I also believe in angels. When it comes to her there is no difference between the two.

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Posted in Annoyed, Daily, School, Work | 2 Comments »

Not a good day….

Monday, April 27th, 2009

I haven’t even really started my Monday but I know for a fact that it’s just not going to be a good day in general.  Last week while I was organizing things I found Joe’s mass card.  To my surprise I was completely thrown off by what I was reading.  For a long time I was convinced that his birthday was the end of May.  Leave it to me to screw up the dates….

I found out that his birthday actually fell on April 27th.  The reason I’m in a funk right now is because Lucy also has the same birthday.

Joe – April 27, 1981 -> March 7, 2006
Lu – April 27, 1985 -> February 17th, 2009

There’s too many 7’s involved, and things are just too damn close together for me to be even remotely comfortable about it, it’s one of those freaky things that just kind of hit you very hard when you make the discovery that you certainly were NOT expecting.  I was just happy that I was finally able to find Joe’s mass card so I could put it on my mirror, the way I’d had it before it was boxed away and shipped down to DE with me.  I was just taken back when I actually put two and two together.

So, I already know for a fact that it’s going to be just a really bad day for me.  I’ve put those whom I actually give a crap about on warning to just not bother me today…with anything.  To those whom don’t already know…they can deal with  my being a bitch and I couldn’t give a shit about their feelings.

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Posted in Daily, Soul Mate | 8 Comments »

Working on it…

Monday, April 13th, 2009

I have to say that with the series of events that took place this past weekend, I’m finding it pretty hard to get myself moving today. It’s Monday morning, I know I need to get myself ready for work and I’m just in a “blah” kind of a mood.

On Friday I came home from work with the overwhelming feeling of annoyance towards just about everyone and everything. I attempted to sit down and just relax in bed but when the small bedroom that Sean and I are sharing looks as though a bomb exploded it just escalated into my blowing off steam directly to him. It then, and I don’t know how or why, turned into me having a complete and total emotional breakdown. I did finally have the break down I’ve been anticipating for quite some time now. For the first time in almost two months since Lucy passed away everything hit me and I couldn’t hold back any longer. It was one of those cries that if you looked at me you would have probably felt bad but for me it was just a release of emotions that needed to be released.

I truly do miss Lucy, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone and it’s been really hard for me to create a new routine that doesn’t include her because she literally was a huge part of my DAILY life. It’s not like we had that kind of friendship where we only saw each other once in a while, she was at my house all the time, we always talked and she truly was a member of the family. She’s the only one left from years ago that still called me “mom”. It’s like I lost a child, which is probably why I’m taking it so hard. So yea, I broke down, and whether she was there listening or not I made it a point to get out everything that I needed to say. The gist of it was “I miss this, it sucks that this can’t happen, this was the plan for this” the list is never ending. I just know that when I go outside to have a cigarette, I’ve purposely left my phone inside because up until her death I was typically texting her and saying “get your ass over here”. Now I know that I have to do it on my own.

I talk to her all the time, again not knowing if she’s listening or not – it’s more of a comfort thing for me right now… I want to believe that she pops in and out to check up on me or help me through something. It’s just hard to help someone through YOUR death – you know? So yea, that was Friday night.

I woke up on Saturday and found that my tax return was pending deposit on my bank account. This came very soon after Sean went to pick up his new glasses (nerdy tape city man!) and his taxes from paid blogging also went out on Friday, so it was nice to see that the money that went out on Friday was now tripled and put back. I made a killing on my taxes this year, and I’m very happy about that. I was eligible for the stimulus check for last year. Why? I honestly don’t know, but I’m not complaining. I still haven’t received the state but I assume that’s coming in on the 17th as was originally noted. They never told me when the federal was going to show up but Federal tends to work a little quicker when it comes to things like that.

Yesterday, Sean and I got ourselves all dolled up and went over to Alicia’s for Easter. Her mother went overboard on all of the food (again) but that’s what Italian’s do! Everything tasted great, but my stomach absolutely hated me for whatever it was that I ate. I had the ziti and the meat, some ham, and I wanted to go back to the adult table to load up on more food but I was just too full After we ate, Alicia and I headed outside for a quick cig and that’s when my stomach started bothering me. It progressively got worse but didn’t stop me from the cherry cheesecake and a cookie. As far as stomach aches go….I’m thinking it was the Pizzagaine (Italian meat/cheese pie) that set me over the edge. I only really have that once a year, but even still I shouldn’t have felt nauseous for hours after the fact! I wound up having to leave and lay down at home, making Sean drive me even though he’d had a few drinks. I’d rather he drive on two beers that didn’t effect him at all than my being dizzy and unable to see straight.

So I came home, washed all of the make-up off and changed into my pjs. I quickly threw everything off the bed, put a bucket down next to me and then just crashed for the night. Now all of the nausea is gone but the stomach pain is still there, a feeling I absolutely hate, it feels like really high cramps that are hitting me right at the base of my ribs. I just hope the pain doesn’t get worse during the day or I’m going to have to wind up coming home to lay down. :crosses fingers:

On a “tech” note.   I do have a template that I just haven’t been able to sit down and complete the coding on.  It’s time for a change, I never wanted to use a premade template but I was honestly sick of the previous one.  Hopefully I’ll get around to completing it soon.  It’s already coded, per say, there’s just the wordpress tweaks that need to go into it, that’s all.

In any event, it’s a little bit after 8am and it’s time for me to get dressed and get through the rest of my morning routine.  Later gators!

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Posted in Family, Friends, Soul Mate | 5 Comments »

NO! I’M NOT OK!

Monday, March 30th, 2009

I know that I’ve noted in previous entries that it was my goal to post more often.  Unfortunately the series of events that have happened over the past month have given me the lack of a drive to do so.  So while I appreciate an email every now and again asking how things are going, my honest response really is that I’M NOT DOING OK!  Anytime someone asked me something in the past I noted that I was fine…and even though I have never been fine….that’s just not the truth anymore.

I’m still taking Lucy’s death very, very hard.  It’s a lot different than Joe’s passing, but hurtful just the same.  With Joe, I knew he was going to die I just never believed it for my own selfishness.  He was sick for a very long time and it was only a matter of time before it caught up with him.

With Lucy, however, she wasn’t sick at all.  She was a very healthy person, she ate like a fat girl and was stuck in a skinny body but health wise, a random cold like any normal adult would be the only thing to get to her.  So being as she was in such a horrible car accident, the shock of waking up every morning without her being around is really beginning to take its toll on me.  I haven’t yet had my break down, I’ve been very weepy and depressed, but no breakdown in sight.  Typically they happen at the worst possible time and I honestly thought that the drive out to Deer Park was going to be worse for my weepyness but that ended in a few minutes, mainly once we got off of the 107-S.  I cried for a few minutes, a song triggered an old memory of when things were so much easier.  Unfortunately that’s just about all it did…it just triggered memories that I’ve been constantly replaying in my head but have been unable to show any strong emotions with it.  So yea, that’s where I stand with that.  It’s painful, and I just can’t seem to cry enough to the point that I just feel guilty.  I don’t know if my emotions have completely been shut off or what, but you’d think that with EVERYTHING going on right now I’d be able to be more than a zombie.

To add insult to injury – The growth on Bella’s stomach has been removed.  The biopsy results confirm that it was cancer, and now I need to bring her to a specialist to continue treatment.  I’m already putting in 40+ hours a week at work, and this just means that I’m going to have to step up on my design work so I can bring in some more money for the months ahead.  It really sucks that when things just start to get well and Sean and I get ahead on bills that some major thing just blows up in our faces.  He and I have also been having some trouble lately, but we know what’s wrong and we know what needed to be taken out of the situation and now we’re working on it.  I’m still completely and whole-heartedly pissed about it but everyone knows where they stand now.

So essentially, my reason for not having a complete emotional breakdown is due to the fact that I haven’t yet been able to deal with any single thing lately, there’s multiple things on my plate right now and I don’t really know which one to start with.  There’s a lot of changes at work, there’s changes in my love life, there’s changes in my family, and there are people missing who deserve to be here.  I still don’t understand why useless fat assholes are walking the earth refusing to do a damn thing with their lives and the “gods” take someone that was on a set path for greatness.  It confuses the shit out of me and just makes me bitter towards humanity in general.  Everyone wants something for nothing, no one wants to get off their asses and put in an honest days work because there’s always the “easy route”, but people like Lucy who were working and going to school to succeed in life – are just taken away from it.

Pat and I have spoken a bit over the course of the last month and he blew me away the first night at Lucy’s tree (it’s really done up, if you’re on 107-N going into Glen Cove you’ll know EXACTLY where it is), and he went on to tell me how even though he hasn’t physically been around for a while because of his bands schedule and what-not, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t working really hard to give Lucy the life and friendship she deserved.  He wanted her there when the band hits it big because she’s entitled to have friends that take her all over the place and where she gets the perks of celebrity, and everything else they’re working on.  And it really is true…she deserved so much better than she ever go.  All I could do is love and care for her, which is what friends do.  The perks of our friendship was she ate very well and if there was more than a 10 minute period of her not laughing and smiling when she was with me, that just means I had to push that much harder.

She deserved the ultimate happiness in life, not to die.  It’s as simple as that.

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Posted in Annoyed, Bella, Boyfriend, Family, Friends | 5 Comments »

Employee of The Month 01/2009

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Employee of The Month It’s not the greatest of pictures, but I snapped it quick with my phone before I left work yesterday.   My supervisor presented me with my plaque on Wednesday.  She’d announced it previously but with being sick and then the whole shit storm that is my life kind of threw up on the table last week, nothing really happened with it.  But since it showed up at the office (obviously it was ordered) and there’s quite a few extra people in the office this week (mainly appraisers buying franchises and a boss flew in from Cali for the meetings) I was asked to just display it on my desk.  I’m totally bringing it home tomorrow night to show everyone.  I personally didn’t feel as though I deserved it when I was told that I was getting it but now that I’m thinking about it, I’m proud of myself for being able to fight through the headaches and annoyances known as our office…heh.  So it’s been on my desk with all of my other bits and bobbles.   I’ve got it next to the heart shaped Bamboo that Sean got me for Valentines Day. Everyone in the office is like in love with it, so I’m glad I can give people something funky to look at during the day.

Today was OK.  I had a little bit of weapyness on the way to work because I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that Lu isn’t around anymore.  My right-hand on numerous occasions and always eager to just come and hang out with me and just relax outside to shoot the breeze.  It’s just so strange to wake up one day and know that there’s a huge part of your life that isn’t there anymore.  I know I’ve mentioned her in every update, but I believe that’s heavily based on the fact that I’m still in shock about things.  I haven’t officially had a melt-down yet and I’m just not sure of when it’s going to hit me…all I can do is hope that it happens when I’m at home thinking about her and not while I’m at work trying to keep myself composed for a ‘professional’ environment.  I’m actually surprised at the fact that I’ve been able to stay at this job for as long as I have.  I have a lot of trouble focusing on things but I guess I’m just one of those people that needs to be in an office environment because working from home never quite felt right for me.  Sure the money was  better, but it got pretty damn boring, and my wrists always freaking hurt all day long from typing on AIM all day.

In any event, it’s getting pretty close to 10PM so I think it’s time to get ready for bed.

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Posted in Family, Work | 5 Comments »

Rest in Peace Lu.

Friday, February 20th, 2009

On Wednesday I received a call at work from Sean where I was told to sit down and then told that Lucy was in a bad car accident on Tuesday night on her way home from school. I’ve known Lucy since 11th grade in high school. Her, Pat and I were three peas in a pod and then we lost touch for a while after I’d graduated. For the past few years it was an AIM conversation here and there being as I was in Delaware, but when I came back up in June things were just different.

She was here every day, she turned into a member of the family to the point that I guess you could say that this was just another home that welcomed her with open arms. She was my best friend, she got me through a lot of shit in my life and she was always there when I needed someone the most.

Now I’m completely lost. Words can not even begin to describe what’s going on in my head and how empty I feel with out her here. I keep seeing her out of the corner of my eye. And as soon as I look over it fades like a lifetime movie.

She was here on Sunday. She had dinner with Sean and I, hung out on the couch for a little while…we had a cig outside and she left to go home to study because while she was off from work for winter recess, she still had school at night. She never missed a day, she was a straight A student and she was leaving school from an exam. The only thing different about her is that she was talking about how tired she’s been for the last couple of days. She wasn’t getting much sleep lately and I believe (as numerous others do) that she fell asleep at the wheel.

My step fathers EMS/Fire department was the closest to this call (he’s the chief). They showed up on scene and there were so many people working on her. They brought her back a few times, they had her in the E.R. ready to transport to the O.R. and then they just lost her. She hit directly on the drivers side and suffered head trauma and internal injuries. Her sister said that her hand felt as though she had no bones. She was just lifeless and fighting it until she couldn’t fight it anymore.

This one is hitting me harder than Joe. I knew he wasn’t going to be around forever and he was sick for a long time before he passed away. Lucy was perfectly healthy, she was just tired and wound up hitting a tree so she was just ripped from a world that loved her.

My world will never be the same. When someone so small can make such a huge impact and then be ripped from your life all you can do is go through every text book emotion of grief. Sadness, Anger and then excessive laughter due to all of the wonderful memories, and everything else.

Her wake is today, funeral is tomorrow, and I’m completely spent. Pat and I found the tree on Wednesday night, he visited it multiple times yesterday. I can’t even bring myself to pick up the keys to go back for myself. I can’t pick myself up to even go and talk to her father and the last thing in the world that I want to see is that casket.

She was my muse, my best friend, my pet midget, my little sister and one of the few left that still called me “Mom”. She took great care of me and I did everything I could to make sure that she was always taken care of.

I always looked forward to weekends because I knew she was going to be here and we’d always find something extremely productive to keep ourselves amused. I no longer have that.

My sister is shaken up because, again, Lucy was a member of our family. She’s been holding it back though. Sean has had a few break downs as well.

This is one of the lowest points in my life, and I honestly don’t even know how I’m going to bounce back from it. I have to continue going on with my life and continue to deal with all of the people who truly deserve to be in her place.

She was a kind person, never hurt anyone a day in her life. She was always there when you needed her. She never once could keep you from smiling and she always had a way of letting you know that she’d support any choice you make as long as it made you happy.

I’m going to miss her terribly.

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