Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

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NO! I’M NOT OK!

Monday, March 30th, 2009

I know that I’ve noted in previous entries that it was my goal to post more often.  Unfortunately the series of events that have happened over the past month have given me the lack of a drive to do so.  So while I appreciate an email every now and again asking how things are going, my honest response really is that I’M NOT DOING OK!  Anytime someone asked me something in the past I noted that I was fine…and even though I have never been fine….that’s just not the truth anymore.

I’m still taking Lucy’s death very, very hard.  It’s a lot different than Joe’s passing, but hurtful just the same.  With Joe, I knew he was going to die I just never believed it for my own selfishness.  He was sick for a very long time and it was only a matter of time before it caught up with him.

With Lucy, however, she wasn’t sick at all.  She was a very healthy person, she ate like a fat girl and was stuck in a skinny body but health wise, a random cold like any normal adult would be the only thing to get to her.  So being as she was in such a horrible car accident, the shock of waking up every morning without her being around is really beginning to take its toll on me.  I haven’t yet had my break down, I’ve been very weepy and depressed, but no breakdown in sight.  Typically they happen at the worst possible time and I honestly thought that the drive out to Deer Park was going to be worse for my weepyness but that ended in a few minutes, mainly once we got off of the 107-S.  I cried for a few minutes, a song triggered an old memory of when things were so much easier.  Unfortunately that’s just about all it did…it just triggered memories that I’ve been constantly replaying in my head but have been unable to show any strong emotions with it.  So yea, that’s where I stand with that.  It’s painful, and I just can’t seem to cry enough to the point that I just feel guilty.  I don’t know if my emotions have completely been shut off or what, but you’d think that with EVERYTHING going on right now I’d be able to be more than a zombie.

To add insult to injury – The growth on Bella’s stomach has been removed.  The biopsy results confirm that it was cancer, and now I need to bring her to a specialist to continue treatment.  I’m already putting in 40+ hours a week at work, and this just means that I’m going to have to step up on my design work so I can bring in some more money for the months ahead.  It really sucks that when things just start to get well and Sean and I get ahead on bills that some major thing just blows up in our faces.  He and I have also been having some trouble lately, but we know what’s wrong and we know what needed to be taken out of the situation and now we’re working on it.  I’m still completely and whole-heartedly pissed about it but everyone knows where they stand now.

So essentially, my reason for not having a complete emotional breakdown is due to the fact that I haven’t yet been able to deal with any single thing lately, there’s multiple things on my plate right now and I don’t really know which one to start with.  There’s a lot of changes at work, there’s changes in my love life, there’s changes in my family, and there are people missing who deserve to be here.  I still don’t understand why useless fat assholes are walking the earth refusing to do a damn thing with their lives and the “gods” take someone that was on a set path for greatness.  It confuses the shit out of me and just makes me bitter towards humanity in general.  Everyone wants something for nothing, no one wants to get off their asses and put in an honest days work because there’s always the “easy route”, but people like Lucy who were working and going to school to succeed in life – are just taken away from it.

Pat and I have spoken a bit over the course of the last month and he blew me away the first night at Lucy’s tree (it’s really done up, if you’re on 107-N going into Glen Cove you’ll know EXACTLY where it is), and he went on to tell me how even though he hasn’t physically been around for a while because of his bands schedule and what-not, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t working really hard to give Lucy the life and friendship she deserved.  He wanted her there when the band hits it big because she’s entitled to have friends that take her all over the place and where she gets the perks of celebrity, and everything else they’re working on.  And it really is true…she deserved so much better than she ever go.  All I could do is love and care for her, which is what friends do.  The perks of our friendship was she ate very well and if there was more than a 10 minute period of her not laughing and smiling when she was with me, that just means I had to push that much harder.

She deserved the ultimate happiness in life, not to die.  It’s as simple as that.

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Posted in Annoyed, Bella, Boyfriend, Family, Friends | 5 Comments »

Holding On…

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

I went back to work yesterday.  Last week was just one messed up thing after another, and it had actually started for me on Sunday night.  I don’t know what kind of a bug was roaming around town but just about everyone for the past week has been pretty sick.  I woke up about 2am Monday morning after not feeling too well after dinner Sunday night (last time I saw Lu was dinner).  I wound up throwing up all night long and for most of Monday, I had a pretty high fever so needless to say going to work wasn’t an option for me.  Tuesday I stayed home so my fever could break and I could begin to get moving again.  Wednesday I woke up ready to go to work, took a much needed hot shower but felt a little off as though I was missing something (I later found out it was Lu).   So I left work early on Wednesday, and wasn’t back at all until yesterday (Monday).

Fran told me that it was pretty busy last week but I was not expecting what I saw yesterday.  We were so bombarded with assignments that my inbox literally didn’t stop from when I walked in the door at 9:45 and even after I walked out the door at 7:45 (I’m only scheduled 10-7).

I remember at one point in the day I’d actually gotten away from the desk to take my hour lunch and there were about 2 assignments that I’d just printed and left on the printer due to the fact that Trish was just too busy working on something for our boss that assigning to an appraiser just wasn’t happening.  I then came back from Lunch and I know there were about 20 assigments on the printer in total (including the two I’d printed before I left) but the other departments were over loaded so I didn’t think anything by it.  I look at my inbox and over the course of the hour about 120 assignments came through.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many emails before in this place and it was certainly overwhelming when you think about how many reams of paper it took to print out everything.  On top of that it all requires being stapled and assigned to an appraiser with all (if any) of the corrections.  It’s was definitely a daunting task

As I noted, Franny and I didn’t get to leave until about 7:45 last night.  I was home around 8:10 with the quick cig before I got in the car and the drive home.  I’m hoping that we don’t need to go through it again Today because it’s National Pancake Day at IHOP and we were planning on treating ourselves to some tasty goodness.

I’m really shaken up about an accident on Friday night that I heard about.  On my way home from my mothers there was a nasty accident on Sea Cliff Avenue.  I didn’t personally see it, I just know that my mother called me in a panic because she heard on her radio that there was an accident with a car on fire.  I later found out that it was two kids that I’d know years ago.  They were zipping up the street going faster than they should have been, bounced off of a parked car and flew in the air to the transformer.  The car then landed and the transformer landed on them.  One kid was killed instantly, the other was screaming bloody murder while the car was ablaze.  On top of that, another kid I went to school with drank a little too much after Lucy’s wake and wound up waking up in the E.R. with no recollection of how he got there.  He got into an accident on the L.I.E.

I honestly think all EMT’s in a 10 mile radius of Glen Cove are pretty shaken up by this past weeks events.  I know that I certainly am.

I’m trying hard to get through the day but when you work right down the street from where your best friend worked as a D.A. for the bus company – seeing all of the buses all day long is no longer the comfort it was before.  Her bus, 161, passed me as I was walking down to the court yard up the street from work.  It was a cold day but I needed to clear my head and that certainly didn’t help me at all.

It’s just hard to hold yourself together with constant reminders of someone who was so important to your life.

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Rest in Peace Lu.

Friday, February 20th, 2009

On Wednesday I received a call at work from Sean where I was told to sit down and then told that Lucy was in a bad car accident on Tuesday night on her way home from school. I’ve known Lucy since 11th grade in high school. Her, Pat and I were three peas in a pod and then we lost touch for a while after I’d graduated. For the past few years it was an AIM conversation here and there being as I was in Delaware, but when I came back up in June things were just different.

She was here every day, she turned into a member of the family to the point that I guess you could say that this was just another home that welcomed her with open arms. She was my best friend, she got me through a lot of shit in my life and she was always there when I needed someone the most.

Now I’m completely lost. Words can not even begin to describe what’s going on in my head and how empty I feel with out her here. I keep seeing her out of the corner of my eye. And as soon as I look over it fades like a lifetime movie.

She was here on Sunday. She had dinner with Sean and I, hung out on the couch for a little while…we had a cig outside and she left to go home to study because while she was off from work for winter recess, she still had school at night. She never missed a day, she was a straight A student and she was leaving school from an exam. The only thing different about her is that she was talking about how tired she’s been for the last couple of days. She wasn’t getting much sleep lately and I believe (as numerous others do) that she fell asleep at the wheel.

My step fathers EMS/Fire department was the closest to this call (he’s the chief). They showed up on scene and there were so many people working on her. They brought her back a few times, they had her in the E.R. ready to transport to the O.R. and then they just lost her. She hit directly on the drivers side and suffered head trauma and internal injuries. Her sister said that her hand felt as though she had no bones. She was just lifeless and fighting it until she couldn’t fight it anymore.

This one is hitting me harder than Joe. I knew he wasn’t going to be around forever and he was sick for a long time before he passed away. Lucy was perfectly healthy, she was just tired and wound up hitting a tree so she was just ripped from a world that loved her.

My world will never be the same. When someone so small can make such a huge impact and then be ripped from your life all you can do is go through every text book emotion of grief. Sadness, Anger and then excessive laughter due to all of the wonderful memories, and everything else.

Her wake is today, funeral is tomorrow, and I’m completely spent. Pat and I found the tree on Wednesday night, he visited it multiple times yesterday. I can’t even bring myself to pick up the keys to go back for myself. I can’t pick myself up to even go and talk to her father and the last thing in the world that I want to see is that casket.

She was my muse, my best friend, my pet midget, my little sister and one of the few left that still called me “Mom”. She took great care of me and I did everything I could to make sure that she was always taken care of.

I always looked forward to weekends because I knew she was going to be here and we’d always find something extremely productive to keep ourselves amused. I no longer have that.

My sister is shaken up because, again, Lucy was a member of our family. She’s been holding it back though. Sean has had a few break downs as well.

This is one of the lowest points in my life, and I honestly don’t even know how I’m going to bounce back from it. I have to continue going on with my life and continue to deal with all of the people who truly deserve to be in her place.

She was a kind person, never hurt anyone a day in her life. She was always there when you needed her. She never once could keep you from smiling and she always had a way of letting you know that she’d support any choice you make as long as it made you happy.

I’m going to miss her terribly.

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Not sure what’s going on…

Sunday, September 7th, 2008

This past week was a bit better than last weekend but not really by much.  September is just turning into one of those months that could probably be wiped off of the planet as far as I care.

WORK
Things have been going OK.  I’m learning a lot of new things and it’s a lot to take in but thankfully I pick up on things pretty quickly so I’ve been OK so far.  For the past week or so I’ve been in the training process by an uber-cool chick who’s had a lot of patience with me, even though I took over her desk.  Supposedly when I go in tomorrow I’ll have my own desk and computer but who knows if that’s going to happen because the one making it happen keeps changing his mind on things.  Either way I hope to be less of an inconvenience to her soon.

I know for sure that I’m going to keep this job, while I would prefer to be doing something in the design field, I guess I can handle just having a decent desk job for the time being.  The people are all nice, it’s relatively easy work (once you get the hang of it) and the downside for me is the amount of time I’m probably going to have to spend on the phone but eventually I’ll suck it up and get over it.

DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS
Everyone is sick.  A kid at work had walking Pneumonia, I had my abscess kicking my ass for a few days, colds and germs are flying around all of the schools right now thanks to whoever was incapable of covering their mouth when they coughed.  Lu got pretty sick this past week as well, but her’s was more chest pain than anything.  Sean’s allergies have been kicking his ass pretty bad this week as well.  I really hope that there’s enough medicine in the world to cover everyone else that’s sick.  Thankfully I was able to steer clear of the Pneumonia because of the antibiotics that I’ve been on.  The downside is the abscess is coming back on the other side AGAIN.  I don’t want to live on antibiotics the rest of my life so I really need to get my teeth straightened out.

I want to hold off until I have Insurance this way I’m not shelling out $2k per tooth considering the three root canals that I need as of right now.  I kind of wish everything would just fall out and then I can worry about implants or something.  At least they wouldn’t hurt as bad as the real ones.  I’ll take a screw over an infected nerve any day!

STORMS n SUCH
Alicia was in New Orleans when the hurricane hit this past week, and upon evacuation she made her way up to Mobile, AL which was currently under tornado warnings.  Thankfully after a lot of shit she was able to make it home so she’s at least safe and sound right now.

The storm that was supposed to be “oh so bad” for the Island was a total dud last night.  It moved itself further north than originally anticipated so we were hit with some minor wind but I’ll admit it was a fairly decent amount of rain.  I was soaked to the bone TWICE before I picked up an umbrella and all of the wind managed to knock that out of play within a half hour of it’s purchase.  Why can’t they make them stronger the way they used to?  Dad had a huge umbrella for the last 20 years or so that finally gave out on him, it was solid wood and never once had an issue.  I know you can get them for $3-$4 but Jesus…make them last  a little longer!?

AGN STUFFS
I’m a week behind on email, I know it’s pissing a lot of people off but the lack of time does play a major role in things right now.  I’m trying to figure out how to schedule everything so I have a few extra hours during the day so I can maintain my own business but I’m not sure how that’s going to happen if I can’t change my hours at work.  I’m doing 10-7,  I’d like to do 8-5 or even 9-6 this way I’m home at a semi-reasonable hour where I can sit down and have dinner and then work until I have to go to sleep to do it all over again for tomorrow.  I don’t personally see that happening right now though.  Maybe in the future I’ll be able to do it, but not too sure as of right now and trust me when I say that’s getting on my nerve.

I have three accounts to complete – to my knowledge – and the only REAL time I have for them is on the Weekends. I look at a computer all day long but I’m not permitted to check personal email at work. I can understand their reasons for it, most of the sites are actually blocked anyway, as far as I know.

CELL PHONES n SUCH
Within the next couple of weeks Sean and I are going to get the cell phone stuff situated.  We’re going with Verizon because they have better coverage on the Island (mainly due to the slew of cell towers, on the north shore at least.  I know for sure that I’m picking up the Voyager and slapping a data plan onto it for unlimited browsing and what not.  My second choice is the pink BlackBerry Curve (8330).  Either one would give me all of the options I need.  Sean is looking to pick up a flip phone but he does want the ability to get online so I have no idea of what choice he’s going to make.  Either way we should have all of that taken care of soon.

In any event, time to check my email. – oy!

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Four Days Down

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

I started at a new job this past Monday.  It’s now Thursday morning and I’m finally able to get online to check my email.  A lot of client stuff that I need to take care of over the course of the weekend.  Sean has been picking up my slack in the hosting department.  Thankfully he knows how to use the new billing system, and has some experience with cPanel because that’s really the only thing to do.  Major things I’m sure he’ll kick in my direction but for now I’m sure he’ll be able to handle things on his own.

I’ve been doing 10-7 for the past few days, yesterday I worked through lunch so I could leave at 6 but you’re required to do a 40-hour minimum week.  So I’ve got to be in at 9:30 today so I can work until 7:30.  It’s a pain considering I’m not sleeping very well but that’s also because I’m not used to the hours yet.  I tend to come home, throw some food down my throat and sit outside with friends as though I’m still working for myself and don’t need to be up early in the morning.  Eventually I’ll be able to balance the two jobs and a social life, for now I’ll just take it day by day until I can get into the swing of things.

When you work for yourself you set your own hours, so I got used to crashing at 4am and waking up at 10am and then working for the bulk of the day and basically hanging out for the rest.  Now, at 9am, I’m sitting here trying to hold my head up and I just woke up at 7:30.  Tonight I hope to crash by 11, that’s my biggest goal.  Friday should run pretty quickly, then I’ll get some work done before I crash on Friday night – I picture myself crashing for 12 hours or so, just to make up the loss in hours.  I didn’t really fall asleep until about 1am this morning, and then only getting like 6 hours of sleep on top of that – not fun.  :: crosses fingers :: hopefully I don’t drive off the road on the way to work.

Anyway – email is basically up to date, so if I haven’t responded – don’t take it personal, blame Gmail ’cause I more than likely didn’t get it, I responded to every one I saw.

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Stealing Jane – Outside

Friday, July 11th, 2008

Being in New York I’m faced with the reality of my past. It’s not a bad hit for me, it’s a good one. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friend Lucy, and I’m itching to get in touch with Pat but he’s been very busy lately. His band, Stealing Jane, is doing absolutely amazing work these days and they just recently launched their first ever video. I’m so proud of these guys. I remember going back to my high school days and hanging out at the Rock Lobster to watch these guys perform. They were great back then, and they’re even better now. So to give their band the extra push that I think any band needs, I’m linking their new video here.

I can assure you that you’ll enjoy what you hear, so head on over to StealingJane.com and show your support.

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Difficult Morning

Thursday, May 1st, 2008

I’ve only been up for an hour and it’s looking to be a pretty stressful day.  For the past couple of days I’ve been working on quite a few different websites.  I did a PSD to WordPress convert for Jackie.  I’m currently working on another WordPress convert for a client I picked up on GAF and on top of that I had to redo a few things for a template I completed last week for my new “boss” so to speak.  Tomorrow I’m taking on another template and while it’s constant work it’s also a constant headache.

The landscapers woke me up today, but that’s fine because for me sleeping until 10 means that I’ve overslept and I needed to be jolted out of bed anyway.  The reason behind the jolt is Bella, naturally.  If someone is under the window she’ll typically bark her head off and slap a big machine under them and that’s grounds for all kinds of barks and growls on her end.  Knowing that Sean worked all night and didn’t actually get to sleep until about 5:30 this morning, I made it a point to get her out of there as fast as possible.  Now she’s hanging out with me in the office, she’s got her window seat and some fresh food on the floor and that’s about all she needs.

Another reason for the down-day isn’t going to be the predicted 70* weather, it’s the email I received from my mother.

Living four hours away from friends and family has been difficult for me, and while I love Sean and do like Delaware – It’s taking me a lot longer to getting used to not having so many people around.  I come from a big family, and the only time it really feels “homey” is when Karen’s sister comes down with her kids because there’s more noise in the house and it feels more like what my life was like in New York.

I really miss everyone, my grandparents, aunts and uncles and I truly have no idea what’s going on with any of my cousins, even the two out of five that I’d stand the chance of seeing.  My one aunt doesn’t get out to visit very often and the other one just held a Christening for her son, and I saw the pictures he’s absolutely adorable.  He looks a lot like my aunt, and has this tiny button nose and looked so cute in his little white suit with gold chain, definitely an Italian child, I’ll tell you that much.

It kind of just hit me today that I’ve missed out on a lot of things.  Hell, I even miss my sister sometimes and when I lived up there I absolutely could not stand her.  But, considering our situation we did get along well – we were just frustrated with each other the way that siblings typically are.

Another irk of the day is the fact that I can’t find my USB cable for my digital camera.  I took some nice pictures this morning to put up on my health blog.  I guess something will appear after I go through a few boxes.

I need to get my butt in gear and finish this template.  I’m hoping to be able to start something for this site sometime today but that really isn’t too important at the moment, work comes first.

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Just itching to go…

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

Travel Tours While I know money isn’t that great right now, I really hope to be able to get up to New York soon. I called my father last night and while things seem to be going OK there’s still that wish for me to be up there. My father’s birthday is coming up, he’s going to be 60 this year. Yea, he was 36 when I was born but that’s OK – he did a damn good job. My sister’s birthday is three days later, she’ll be 22 this year. You kind of wonder where all of the time went in the last 20-something years, you know?

Anyway, it’s my goal to get enough cash together in the next couple of weeks so we can take the trip up there at the end of June. Maybe I’ll get lucky enough and one of my various interviews will come through, I don’t know. It’s just important to me that I actually get up there. Things with the family are “OK”, I found out that my mother thought she had a stroke but it’s actually Bells Palsy. My sister didn’t even find out until like three days after it happened, but my family just seems to like keeping secrets. How could you not tell someone’s daughter that their mother is in the hospital? I could understand if my sister was like 10 years old or something, but she’s 21 – I think avoiding telling her is absolutely uncalled for.

So yea, there are a few different reasons for me to get up there. It’s not like I’m looking for things to do in New York that are out of the norm for me, like going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art or something. I’ve been there before, I’m going to New York for family, not even a vacation at this point. My idea of a vacation is floating around in the Casino’s of Atlantic City (Harrah’s being my favorite – of course). But this is a family thing, that’s the most important right now.

If you want to find something to do in New York you can poke around Trusted Tours & Attractions. They have a free e-newsletter, and give you family vacation ideas as well.

Trusted Tours

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