I’ve gotten a few emails telling me that my last post was just, wrong. The thing no one seems to understand is that I’m not saying that no one else is entitled to be upset about Joe’s passing. I would never, ever, dare take that away from anyone. My issue is with those comparing my pain to theirs. Yes, you’re upset; you lost a great friend and I truly understand that. I lost him on a much different level. No, I’m not saying that I’m hurting more than you are but don’t tell me that you know exactly what I’m going through, when you really don’t. You don’t know my relationship with him, or even my connection to him so stop throwing shit in my face for things that you don’t understand, and aren’t of concern to you.
Stick Boy said I was crazy for even thinking about it but, I went out last night and got my second tattoo. The series is complete, so to speak. I designed both arms at the same time and figured they’d be spaced out a bit, but Joe’s dying has got me in the mind set that life on earth is just too short to wait for things that you really want. The Chinese symbol underneath is “Joe”, so even though he can’t be here with me in the physical sense, this is my way of keeping him by my side for the rest of my life, however long it may be.
However, dropping $400 in a week, on tattoo’s no less, wasn’t something I planned. So that really dipped into my laptop fund. That’s okay though, because this was something that I needed a lot more than having the mobile ability I want for work. I know the difference between want and need, and it’s been established that not many people around the ‘net really can grasp that concept. Sure, tattoos are somewhat material but they’re also memorials. I don’t have a large collection of photos of Joe. I have 6 years of memories, AIM conversations from the last couple of years (on this hard drive at least) and a sense of comfort knowing that he’s still with me (in one sense or another). I used to wonder why I stopped myself from deleting certain things, from certain people, off my computer. Joe was always the one who I looked past, knowing that I’d need to see those conversations again. I find myself reading through them on occasion. Just so I can get the same sense that he’s here, they’ve helped me a lot…that’s for sure.
I’m beginning to get back into the swing of things for work. I need to get my head out of the clouds for a little bit and buckle down. Although a lot of my future plans included Joe, I know he’d want me to move on and continue to reach my goals. I do still intend to be moved out of here by the end of the year. I intend to continue with school and pick up degrees in all the fields that interest me. I’m slowly finishing up on my English module (which showed up on Saturday). The multiple-choice is fine, I can knock that out in a few hours; it’s the essay that’s annoying. I knew I’d have to write one. I don’t think anyone can go through school without having to write up some kind of an essay at some point in time, no matter what the course. I just know that once I’m done with all of that I’ll graduate and can then move on to the next level. I gave myself the goal for April and I’ve stuck by it. I’m happy with that, I really am.
After I got my tattoo last night, I did some shopping. I’m not sure how I managed to do it but I dropped $160.00 at Wal-Mart. I got myself some much needed clothes though, so that counts for something; t-shirts, bras, underwear, etc. I’m addicted to “house wares” though; I went out and got a new toaster oven, because we haven’t had one in the longest time. I bought a lot of plates and cups for the BBQ this summer, which I do fully intend to have, there’s just obviously going to be one less person to invite. I even got myself a four pack of ash-trays because I really need one outside. Right now I’ve just got an old coffee can with a little bit of water in it (to avoid sparks). In the summer it REAKS, so the alternative is a good one. I’m back to throwing money into savings though. Although I went through almost half of the money that I had set aside for my laptop, with business going as well as it has been for the last couple of months I’ll have no trouble getting it all back.
My goal is to have it purchased by mid-April/early May; this way when it gets here I’ll be enjoying the sunlight and maybe even getting some kind of a tan. I enjoy being pale, I really do, I just need some ounce of color so I don’t look so sickly. I guess I’m just weak from everything going on this week but I just look so zombie-ish that it’s sparked a concern that I’ll address sooner than later.
Shaun said he’d come up and visit me soon. I haven’t seen him in three years but he knows how important Joe was to me, so he feels it’s only fair that he comes over and spends some time with me. Stick Boy said if he wasn’t working so much he’d truck it from North Carolina if I needed him. And Sean basically said the same thing, only from Delaware. For some reason, knowing that they’d do that for me just relaxes me…I’m not sure why.
In any event, I need to crack down on this homework and finish up on this client so I can finally lay down and just go back to sleep.
Later all
On March 7th, 2006 at 8:31pm I received a phone call from Joe’s father. I was told to sit sit down, and then told that he had some very bad news. Joe has passed away. After 3 hours of letting it stir in my mind, I called his house – just hoping that someone played a cruel joke…it was true. He was 24 years old. They believe it was his sleep apnea because he wasn’t wearing his mask to bed. When you stop breathing at night, eventually it kicks back in but for now (until the toxicology report is completed) they believe he just stopped breathing and never restarted. It took me a few minutes to realize it was true, but I’ve been a basket case ever since.
