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Not a good day….

Monday, April 27th, 2009

I haven’t even really started my Monday but I know for a fact that it’s just not going to be a good day in general.  Last week while I was organizing things I found Joe’s mass card.  To my surprise I was completely thrown off by what I was reading.  For a long time I was convinced that his birthday was the end of May.  Leave it to me to screw up the dates….

I found out that his birthday actually fell on April 27th.  The reason I’m in a funk right now is because Lucy also has the same birthday.

Joe – April 27, 1981 -> March 7, 2006
Lu – April 27, 1985 -> February 17th, 2009

There’s too many 7’s involved, and things are just too damn close together for me to be even remotely comfortable about it, it’s one of those freaky things that just kind of hit you very hard when you make the discovery that you certainly were NOT expecting.  I was just happy that I was finally able to find Joe’s mass card so I could put it on my mirror, the way I’d had it before it was boxed away and shipped down to DE with me.  I was just taken back when I actually put two and two together.

So, I already know for a fact that it’s going to be just a really bad day for me.  I’ve put those whom I actually give a crap about on warning to just not bother me today…with anything.  To those whom don’t already know…they can deal with  my being a bitch and I couldn’t give a shit about their feelings.

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Posted in Daily, Soul Mate | 8 Comments »

Working on it…

Monday, April 13th, 2009

I have to say that with the series of events that took place this past weekend, I’m finding it pretty hard to get myself moving today. It’s Monday morning, I know I need to get myself ready for work and I’m just in a “blah” kind of a mood.

On Friday I came home from work with the overwhelming feeling of annoyance towards just about everyone and everything. I attempted to sit down and just relax in bed but when the small bedroom that Sean and I are sharing looks as though a bomb exploded it just escalated into my blowing off steam directly to him. It then, and I don’t know how or why, turned into me having a complete and total emotional breakdown. I did finally have the break down I’ve been anticipating for quite some time now. For the first time in almost two months since Lucy passed away everything hit me and I couldn’t hold back any longer. It was one of those cries that if you looked at me you would have probably felt bad but for me it was just a release of emotions that needed to be released.

I truly do miss Lucy, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone and it’s been really hard for me to create a new routine that doesn’t include her because she literally was a huge part of my DAILY life. It’s not like we had that kind of friendship where we only saw each other once in a while, she was at my house all the time, we always talked and she truly was a member of the family. She’s the only one left from years ago that still called me “mom”. It’s like I lost a child, which is probably why I’m taking it so hard. So yea, I broke down, and whether she was there listening or not I made it a point to get out everything that I needed to say. The gist of it was “I miss this, it sucks that this can’t happen, this was the plan for this” the list is never ending. I just know that when I go outside to have a cigarette, I’ve purposely left my phone inside because up until her death I was typically texting her and saying “get your ass over here”. Now I know that I have to do it on my own.

I talk to her all the time, again not knowing if she’s listening or not – it’s more of a comfort thing for me right now… I want to believe that she pops in and out to check up on me or help me through something. It’s just hard to help someone through YOUR death – you know? So yea, that was Friday night.

I woke up on Saturday and found that my tax return was pending deposit on my bank account. This came very soon after Sean went to pick up his new glasses (nerdy tape city man!) and his taxes from paid blogging also went out on Friday, so it was nice to see that the money that went out on Friday was now tripled and put back. I made a killing on my taxes this year, and I’m very happy about that. I was eligible for the stimulus check for last year. Why? I honestly don’t know, but I’m not complaining. I still haven’t received the state but I assume that’s coming in on the 17th as was originally noted. They never told me when the federal was going to show up but Federal tends to work a little quicker when it comes to things like that.

Yesterday, Sean and I got ourselves all dolled up and went over to Alicia’s for Easter. Her mother went overboard on all of the food (again) but that’s what Italian’s do! Everything tasted great, but my stomach absolutely hated me for whatever it was that I ate. I had the ziti and the meat, some ham, and I wanted to go back to the adult table to load up on more food but I was just too full After we ate, Alicia and I headed outside for a quick cig and that’s when my stomach started bothering me. It progressively got worse but didn’t stop me from the cherry cheesecake and a cookie. As far as stomach aches go….I’m thinking it was the Pizzagaine (Italian meat/cheese pie) that set me over the edge. I only really have that once a year, but even still I shouldn’t have felt nauseous for hours after the fact! I wound up having to leave and lay down at home, making Sean drive me even though he’d had a few drinks. I’d rather he drive on two beers that didn’t effect him at all than my being dizzy and unable to see straight.

So I came home, washed all of the make-up off and changed into my pjs. I quickly threw everything off the bed, put a bucket down next to me and then just crashed for the night. Now all of the nausea is gone but the stomach pain is still there, a feeling I absolutely hate, it feels like really high cramps that are hitting me right at the base of my ribs. I just hope the pain doesn’t get worse during the day or I’m going to have to wind up coming home to lay down. :crosses fingers:

On a “tech” note.   I do have a template that I just haven’t been able to sit down and complete the coding on.  It’s time for a change, I never wanted to use a premade template but I was honestly sick of the previous one.  Hopefully I’ll get around to completing it soon.  It’s already coded, per say, there’s just the wordpress tweaks that need to go into it, that’s all.

In any event, it’s a little bit after 8am and it’s time for me to get dressed and get through the rest of my morning routine.  Later gators!

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Posted in Family, Friends, Soul Mate | 5 Comments »

The LONG Weekly Breakdown

Friday, April 18th, 2008

It’s been quite a week, if I had the energy I probably would have updated sooner but when daily life gets in the way – a blog really isn’t a priority. I’ll break it down into categories so you can skip the areas you probably won’t care about. I also had to throw a break in it because I’m certain it’s going to be a 2500 word entry. Sue me, it’s been a week.

Health & Wellness – Back Problems SUCK!
I threw out my back last weekend, it took me a few days to nurse myself back to health but me being the stubborn person that I am – I still insisted on cleaning whenever I could and getting some shopping done. I had trouble lifting the heavier items (soda, and even a gallon of milk for that matter) but we needed it and I know that Sean has been really busy working on a few different sites. He’s chugging along getting the social networking site up for one client, Jackie and her father have taken him under their wings with some programming work and he was approved to write plug-ins and hacks for Social Engine, the only out-of-the-box social networking site on the market right now. So it’s safe to say that while I’m not feeling well, he’s still very busy with other things. He did really help me out though, as far as the heavy lifting and laundry is concerned. I had to spend Sunday in bed, which is something I absolutely hated, because I don’t like being unproductive but when you can’t stand up it’s very difficult to accomplish just about anything.
(more…)

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Posted in Bella, Boyfriend, Daily, Soul Mate, Work | 8 Comments »

A book recommendation, followed by randomage.

Sunday, January 20th, 2008

Since there isn’t much going on these days, other than sending out resumes and hoping for the best, I’ve been doing a lot of reading to keep myself entertained. A few months ago I picked up a book at the grocery store. It caught my eye because the author, Erica Spindler, has been a favorite of mine for quite some time now. It’s one of her newer books, Copy Cat, and I have to say I highly recommend it to just about everyone in the mood for not only a romantic story, but a suspense thriller as well. Paperback cost me about $7 but you can find it on Amazon for as little as $1.

Erica Spindler - Copycat The Sleeping Angel Killer provides the chilling focus to Spindler’s 12th bloodcurdling romantic thriller (after Killer Takes All). Kitt Lundgren and Mary Catherine “M.C.” Riggio of the Rockford, Ill., VCB (Violent Crimes Bureau) vow to catch a serial killer who sets the suffocated bodies of 10-year-old girls in their own beds, dressed like angels in frilly white nightgowns, hair spread out on their pillows and pink lip gloss applied postmortem to their mouths. Spindler’s setting of a “meat-and-potatoes” Midwest town provides a fresh background for two believable and very cool investigators. Kitt, a recovering middle-aged alcoholic, tried and failed to catch the murderer five years earlier, during a 2001 killing spree, while her own child was dying of leukemia and her marriage was falling apart under the strain. Now, when eerily similar crimes recur, someone calls Kitt, identifying himself as the original killer and the new perp as just a copycat. M.C., an ambitious, distrustful newbie, is assigned to help Kitt with the investigation. The detectives must overcome their personal problems in order to catch the monsters, a task culminating in a breathless finale.

I’m not done with the book yet, I only started reading it before I went to sleep last night. After about an hour I was 150 pages in and found it damn near impossible to put it down. The only reason I did was based on the lack of ability to keep my eyes open. While I was enjoying the book, my head was still telling me to go to sleep and no amount of fighting it was going to keep me awake for much longer anyway.

The book has a day-to-day theme going on with it and oddly enough the story was set in the February/March time frame of 2006. A few things caught my eye, mainly because March 2006 was such a difficult month for me. I noticed that chapter 7 is the only notice of the ex-husband (thus far) and this fell on the date of March 7, 2006. The reason this caught my eye was based on the fact that the very first line of the chapter read “Hello Joe”. I found it pretty freaky, this character is talking to her ex-husband the same day I lost Joe. I know that it’s purely a coincidence but it stood out for me, and probably had a lot to do with why I sat here for so long reading as much as I could before I dozed off.

I had some pretty strange dreams last night, not sure why but all family members that have passed on came to me and started yapping about something important, what the message was – I have no idea. I just think it’s strange that I haven’t dreamt of my Grandmother since I was 8 years old and there she was standing in front of my desk with some kind of a message that I just didn’t understand. I didn’t hear her, I knew she was talking to me, you can always see someone talking to you in your dreams. I’m just unsure of what was actually being said, I just remember screaming “Speak English” because it sounded like “Womp, Womp, Womp” whenever she opened her mouth.

Another interesting dream happened just as I’d dozed off to sleep. I’m unsure of whether or not it was based on the book or not but I was walking up my stairs (the one’s in NY, not DE) and at the top of the stairs was Tony Soprano’s mother (now deceased). I could literally see right through her, she looked at me with this evil grin on her face and then her eyes rolled up in the back of her head. I went to run inside but I couldn’t get my keys out of my pocket and I stood there screaming “Wake me up!”. When I finally did wake up it had only been about 20 minutes since I’d gone to bed. It was just one of those freaky dreams that chills you to the bone and sticks with you all freaking day.

And speaking of bone chilling, according to my weather monitor it’s supposed to get down to about 3¬?F tonight. A quick snow shower came through this evening but I haven’t been outside since about 1am to see what kind of “damage” was done. Down here you don’t get much, we’re too close to the ocean and everything tends to melt within an hour because of the salt in the air. I hear NY is getting some pretty decent snow, I kind of wish I could be up there right now to enjoy it but I have to accept the fact that Delaware will never be New York and I need to move on. It sucks, but nothing I can do about it.

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Posted in Daily, Delmarva, New York, Randomage, Soul Mate | 1 Comment »

A little late

Monday, July 23rd, 2007

Even though our anniversary was on Saturday, tonight we’re actually going to celebrate with dinner and what not. Saturday would have been a bad night considering everyone is out and getting anywhere near a restaurant just isn’t possible. We figured on a Monday, even though it’s a summer vacation, it would be easier to get anywhere near some place. We’re more than likely going to The Olive Garden up in Salisbury.

It’s kind of strange though, even though it’s in the same price range as the restaurants we go to on a regular basis, we associate TOG with celebrations, something I’ve done for years now. My first time going there was with Joe, he took me on my birthday. Since then I’ve gone there on my birthday almost every year and now with Sean it’s an anniversary / birthday kind of a treat.

Does anyone else have a place that you associate with special occasions only?

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Movies: 1408

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

PPPAnyone who knows me knows that I do truly believe in the supernatural. I know for a fact that Joe is still floating around me. I’ve listed numerous times that he’s given me shooting stars, a breeze and many other things that have brought a sense of comfort to me after his death. I know that whenever I need him there for support, he is. And while I can’t personally speak to him, he does still give me signs to let me know when he’s around and listening to me.

Just recently I came across a commercial for 1408 Movie. It’s starring John Cusack (whom I love) and it’s pretty darn interesting based on what I’ve read about it.

PPPBased on the short Stephen King horror story of the same name, 1408 surrounds supernatural writer Mike Enslin, an author of two hit books focusing on supernatural phenomena. As research for his latest book, Enslin is determined to check out the notorious room 1408 in a New York City hotel by personally staying as a guest in the fabled room. With the intention that 1408 is just a myth perpetuated by stories and rumor that Enslin has collected for his past works. However, hotel manager Mr. Olin has strong objections to Enslin’s stay and only warns him of possible danger to come. But Enslin is determined to go through and convinced that the horrific past of 1408 is just mere coincidence and a myth. But what Mike Enslin is about to experience is no myth, as 1408 truly is a room where the guests don’t check out by noon.

And below is a quick trailer of 1408 Movie if you’re interested in the visual aspect of it. Sometimes reading the text for it takes away from the movie itself, even if it is based on a book of course…heh.

1408

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It’s been a year…

Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Hearts in Snow Today was the one year anniversary of Joe’s passing. While today wasn’t easy on me, it wasn’t overly difficult either. Joe has his ways of letting me know he’s still around. I strongly believe that the 5″ of snowfall that fell in Delmarva today was his doing. What I wasn’t expecting to see was later on in the evening when I went outside to have a cig.

I’d heard a plow go by about a half hour before to begin clearing up the roads (and they did a crap-ass job by the way). During the course of the day, since anything over an inch of snowfall around here is a “State of Emergency”, there weren’t many cars on the road after work let out. People were smart and basically went home and stayed there. After walking out the door, I looked at the street and saw a strange sign made in the middle of the road. Believe it or not, these were made with tires. I don’t believe they were truck tires, more like car ones (they were kind of thin) but close inspection (slippers are SOAKED because of it) I looked at the sign up close and saw it was definitely done by a tire.

Hearts…in the middle of the road. I’m unsure why they’re there, or even how they really got there. Part of me wants to believe that in some way shape or form Joe did it. This may sound crazy, I honestly wouldn’t doubt that it sounds crazy to someone outside of my daily life but I do believe he’s floating around me and a breeze or the random whiff of “Curve: For Men” out of no where are my tell-tale signs of knowing he’s around. I do believe in ghosts, there’s no doubt about that. I’m happy he’s my ghost. I could be crazy, I may have officially flipped my lid – trust me…it was bound to happen at some point. I just know that there’s no possible way that these were made by hand, there are no foot prints to support a hand-made snow pattern in the road that wasn’t there for the ENTIRE DAY OF SNOWFALL.

In other news, I need clients. Business is extremely slow and something tells me that I’m going to have to bring Bella to the vet sooner than expected. The change in altitude, and the wrong shampoo has caused her to be kind of itchy lately. With this itching comes excessive scratching and she managed to cut her head open and keeps continuing to scratch the same area to the point that the top of her head is no longer blonde, it’s pink. Her scalp is pink and the blood this sore has spurted out onto her little head has dyed her head. She’s also got some strange bumps on her back and I’m unsure where they came from. They feel kind of like…pimples. She’s always had a bump on her stomach, so I never really thought twice about it. Now that she’s got them all over, I’m beyond concerned about it. There’s a vet clinic down here that I can take her to but I seriously can’t afford anything.

This is also putting a damper on my moving plans. I’m finally going back to New York next week (I think?), I hope it’s to just cash a few checks and move within a few days. Sources (well…my gut feeling mainly) is telling me that it will take longer than I’d hoped. Either way there’s a lot of shit to be done and if things don’t begin to pick up soon then I guess I’ll be screwed. I haven’t seen my house in like two months. I’m sure Bella misses my father, she may even miss my sister – who knows. I just know it’s going to be an interesting couple of weeks.

I’ve been surfing careerbuilder.com and monster.com (actively) for jobs in the area so hopefully I’ll find something soon. I have rent and other shit to think about and the money being made from the web stuff won’t cut it anymore. I can live comfortably under my father’s roof because I’m only going half with things. This is full-throttle now, so I’m going to need more income and unfortunately the Internet just won’t be enough for me. Baby is doing really well with his stuff, but I refuse to live off his income. I guess it’s just the way I was raised.

In any event, it’s about 1am and I’m exhausted. I spent most of Monday being sick as a dog so now I’m slowly getting over whatever hit me this past weekend. My nose isn’t runny but I’ve been very dizzy and extremely nauseous so I have no idea what happened. Now I’m basically hacking up a phlegmy lung so I can’t wait until this shit is out of my system.

Night all.

Posted in Bella, Boyfriend, Soul Mate | 1 Comment »

Bad day…

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

I know this has happened to almost everyone but…has there been ONE song that truly makes you think about everything going on in your life?

My problem is that there are two songs right now that literally bring me to tears. I know it’s kind of stupid but with my emotional state for the last six months…I just don’t know how to deal with it any other way.

Song #1 – “Let Go” by 12 Stones

12 Stones - 'Let Go'

Song #2 – “Far Away” by Nickleback

Nickleback - 'Far Away'

I had an intense dream about Joe last night that’s got me in this funk. I’ll describe it as best I can…

I’d just gotten off work and I walked in the front door, turned the corner and then saw him sitting at the computer in the living room. It didn’t look like HIM though…I mean, it did but he was like 80lbs lighter than I remember him. The first thing he did was stand up and hug me. Now in all my previous dreams of him, he just kind of floated around me and answered my questions. I physically got to feel him in this dream and that’s probably why I’m in this funk. He went on to tell me that he wasn’t really ‘dead’ he’s just ‘living another life’. But then every question there after was kind of like a riddle. We sat there for what seemed like hours just talking about everything going on in life. What he’s doing, where he’s been…who he’s been spying on…then he went on to discuss things going on with me at the moment and for some reason I felt completely at ease. The thing is…I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying…I was too preoccupied with the fact that I got to actually FEEL him again. I got to look him in the eye when I told him how much I missed him and how much I love him. And for the first time in six months he actually said it back. He told me that it’s hard to miss me because he’s always around me (in some form or another) but my reason for missing him is based on the fact that I can’t physically see him there when he is. He told me that the shooting stars at night are him, the gusts of wind when I call his name are him and the knocking that I heard the night I’d found out he died was also him.

All of my questions were answered, he introduced me to someone who we were both connected to and everything at that moment just felt right. I no longer had doubts, I no longer had guilt…I felt ‘home’…I haven’t felt ‘home’ in so long…because hasn’t been with me.

I didn’t want the dream to end. I was so mad at myself for waking up but that doesn’t help the fact that ever since I woke up I’ve been a complete and total basket case. I was watching “Boy Meets World” this afternoon, it was the episode when Topanga moves away and then ‘sneaks out’ of her house to go back to Cory and then Cory goes out of his way to tell his parents what he feels is love. But all I could think about is what would I do if Joe just magically appeared at my door and it was for real…it wasn’t a dream.

The one line that sticks out the most for me right now is “‘Cause with you, I’d withstand all of hell to hold your hand” and I honestly feel this way…I just want one more day. I want to be able to look him in the eye IN REAL TIME and let him know everything.

I wish I knew what brought this on…I really do. I just feel so pathetic for feeling this way when I thought I was beginning to move on with my life.

I don’t know how much work I’m going to get done today…there’s an episode of “Drew Carey” on right now where Drew is playing the trumpet…Joe played the trumpet and anyone who’s met Joe and knows what Drew Carey looks like…they’d know he has the same ‘head bob’ so that isn’t helping me much either. I just don’t know…there are so many signs pointing to things right now that I don’t want to think about.

I’m supposed to be the one who’s sane all the time because I’m usually the one dealing with everyone else’s shit…but I can’t bring myself to get out of bed right now. I just don’t understand it. I think I’m going to go back to bed, I have no concentration at the moment.

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I think too much

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

While working, I randomly take breaks to clear my head. I can only look at code for so long before I begin to go crazy. My main big thing to do when taking these breaks is research for future purchases.

My future purchases include:
– New Cell Phone
– New Desktop
– School Enrollment (5 courses)

Cellphone – In December, my cell phone expires. My father, my sister and I are on the family plan and it’s been two years so the plan is going to be reset. My father won’t be adding my number, and my sisters, back to the plan. I do pay him the monthly fee’s, don’t sit there and think that I’m not worthy of having it under his plan. The problem is with my sister. She runs her phone bills up 300+ each month, just for HER PHONE. Meanwhile, her plan is only supposed to be somewhere in the $20 range, like mine. Because she has abused this, my father is canceling everything all together. I’m not complaining because I’m sick of the telemarketers. So instead of having a monthly plan, I’ve decided to go back to a prepaid phone. Considering I rarely ever, if at all, use the phone. I figure it would be easy to spend $70-$80 on a phone that comes with 60 minutes, and then just put maybe $10 a month on the phone to keep it active. This is the financially sound thing to do, and the exact route that I’m going to take. I’ve been looking at phones everywhere, and oddly enough the one I’m going to go for can be found right through Wal-Mart – isn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t that some shit? It’s $75 for the phone, comes with 60 pre-paid minutes and then within a month – I have to put maybe $10 on the phone. I’m content with this purchase.

Desktop – I know that for the past few months I have felt completely content (and extremely happy) with my laptop. The mobility factor is amazing. I have not, however, realized how many programs I use on a daily basis for designing and what not and now my laptop is beginning to fill up a lot quicker than anticipated. I’m using around 40 gigs of my 80gig hard drive, and I know that doesn’t seem like much but I was using 40 on a 120gb hard drive on my desktop – so you do the math there. I’ve been looking for desktops in places like Tiger Direct, Microcenter, CompUSA and of course HP. No matter which one of these companies I go through, I’ll be sticking with an HP desktop. I do not need anything over the top with bright lights and pretty colors like my last desktop. I just need something with a 120 gig hard drive and enough room to load my old hard drive into it so I can regain access to those files.

Now that I have mastered the art of linking computers on the network, I’ll be using the computer as a file server – mainly – this is why I do not need to be too concerned about the statistics right out of the box. I do know that anything less than a gig of ram is unacceptable because I will begin using the computer for heavy graphics. Over time I fully intend to be up to my ass in learning flash so that I can bring in some more money for business. So if spending $400 on a desktop is the route that I have to take, then so be it.

The reason for this – I’m going back to school. I’ve decided that sometime over the next few months I will be enrolling in new courses through Penn Foster and Stratford. Penn Foster will cover the technical aspects of things. I’ll enroll with them for Web Programming, Web Design and Graphics Design. I’ll then go to Stratford for Business Management and Accounting. My reason behind the Stratford courses is not only for me, but for Joe. He was going to school for Accounting and he was only a few months away from his degree before he passed away so I think this is my way of finishing what he started. Whether he’d appreciate it or not, I don’t know…I’ll never know. But there are cases when someone sets their mind to do something just because it feels right…this is one of those times. It’s my way of honoring him and, in my head, that’s all that matters.

In any event…I need to get back to work. I’m finishing up on a non-profit/Wordpress set of templates and my creative streak has been shot to hell because I’ve been ass-deep in work for a long time now. I can’t wait to finally be able to complete a project in its entirety and not feel bad that it’s taking me so long. I apologize to any client who comes here and reads up on things. I really am trying my best – I’m just balancing 13 clients right now and it hasn’t been easy on me at all. The power issues because of last weeks heat wave didn’t help me much either :grr:

Posted in School, Soul Mate, Work | 6 Comments »

When you give up…it shows up.

Tuesday, June 27th, 2006

I didn’t really want to update until Saturday when I put up the new theme, but I have exciting news that I believe just can’t wait.

For the past month and a half I’ve been waiting for Freepay to process my approval form for the Digitial Camera. I’ve logged in every day and haven’t seen the status change. BUT – TODAY it finally did.

Freepay

I jumped up and down and instantly sent a screen shot to anyone who was online. Christie, Heather, Stacey, Tom, Stick Boy, and Sean. The one person I wanted to send it to was Jackie but she’s currently on her way to New Jersey for a wedding. I already knew my choice though, the Olympus SP-350 · 8 Megapixel camera. The reason is because it looks more like an SLR than the rest of the cameras to choose from. It’s also got better stats than the Fuji 9mpxl that was on the site. Not to mention, it’s just nice looking too.

Freepay

It takes approximately 7-10 business days to process and then 3-5 to ship. I’m going to assume that I won’t have it until sometime after I’m at my aunts house, so that’s ok. It would have been nice to use her house as my first pictures but I’ll get over it.

Dad’s currently in Atlantic City, he left early Sunday morning and I’m going to assume that he’s on his way back up here now considering he has work tomorrow morning. When he called on Sunday he said he was up and very happy. When I called him on Monday to wish him a Happy Birthday he was down, which is typically how it happens for my family anyway. He saved enough to tell me that he was getting a new vanity for the bathroom this week.

I did my planting on Saturday, it was pouring but that didn’t make it any less fun. The kids helped me out, I do have a picture of the ‘after’ but I don’t have any pictures of the process. It was raining too hard to have anything electronic out here. Sure we were under the awning but it was windy so it would have gotten soaked anyway. Thankfully, with all the rain everything was watered so I’m pretty happy with that. They’re already starting to bud so hopefully in a few weeks I’ll see some flowers show up. I can’t wait.

BUT while we were planting dad noted that there needs to be some kind of gravel in the bottom to keep the soil from draining out of the holes. I figured “Okay…I’ll just use what’s left from the fish tank”. Unfortunately, that tank was thrown out, along with all of the gravel. Then I realized that since mom was such a pack rat, there was still some tile left over from when she redid the tile in the bathroom like 10 years ago. So I went into the bathroom, opened up the cabinet, found the tile and then saw it was covered in mold. I made Dad get it out so he could see just what kind of crap we’re dealing with in there. It then convinced him to get a new one. So, I’ll be going to Home Depot sometime soon to pick out the one I want.

On the 7th to the 14th, I’m going to be at my aunts house. I’ll have my laptop with me, so I can still work. She’s going to Vegas because one of her friends has a time share or something out there, I’m not sure what it is. I just know that the room is free for the week so her and some friends are hopping on that opportunity.

Normally when I’m house sitting I’d have Joe over, so it’s going to be a pretty rough week for me. I’m slowly beginning to get over his death, because I know he’s in a better place away from the doctors and all of the disease that over ran his body for many years, that doesn’t mean I still don’t miss him just the same. I just want to pick up the phone and call him to say “Come on over!” but I can’t anymore and reality is finally starting to kick in for me and I know that I have to let it go. It’s not easy, but over time I’d assume that I’ll be ok.

Work Related
I’m trying to pick up as many jobs as possible but it’s taking a little more time than I would have liked. No one has really shown total interest in the $30 deal. I’ve gotten a few emails about it, but no return emails about going through with it fully. I’m hoping something will pick up soon though, this way I have money set aside for the BBQ.

BBQ
At this point though, I’m not sure if it’s going to happen to the scale that I’d like it to so I haven’t said much about it. My goal is to have it sometime around the 22nd but depending on financial status it may be pushed to a week or two later. I do still want to have it, I’d love to see Christie and Heather in one big group setting but I guess I’ll just have to see what happens there.

Code Guru
I’ve had a very productive week though. I re-did a few of my cliques and I also put the final touches on my July theme. After doing some reading, thanks to the links Sean sent me. I was able to find out why my style sheets would validated but had warnings. I’ve managed to now master CSS2 so there are absolutely no warnings on any of my style sheets and that’s something I’m very happy about. I almost changed the theme to XHTML Strict so that I could be super elite but I realized that since I have to link my banner rotations in an I-frame (for some god forsaken reason) that the theme wouldn’t validate to strict so I guess I’ll just stick with Transitional. I’d prefer to have links target to a new window anyway.

In any event…my next update will most likely be on Saturday when I put up the new theme. I’ve re-entered myself into the blog rotations so I’ll be around to comment and what not.

Later gators.

Posted in Family, Friends, Soul Mate | 14 Comments »

I don’t know…

Saturday, May 20th, 2006

I know it’s only been two days since I posted but for some reason it feels more like two weeks. It could have something to do with the constant string of storms or the fact that I’ve woken up at 7am for the last few days, only to fall asleep around 4am the following morning, I have no idea.

I’ve been very anxious the last few days; it’s kind of that weird feeling of everything coming together where I’m both excited, but sad about it too. I’m sure it makes no sense to you but that’s basically how it feels to me, and we all know I’ve never been one to make much sense anyway.

I’m extremely happy that my laptop will be here sometime in the next two weeks. I’m very happy my patio will be setup the way I’ve wanted it to be for the last three years. I’m very ticked off that people are on my case about things that don’t concern me, and I’m extremely upset that even with the good things, I don’t have Joe to share it with. I know it’s been two months, and there are few people who say “Get over it and move on.” because that’s just how my family works, but every day I wake up thinking about him and I can honestly say that time heals JACK SHIT.

I’m depressed and I don’t like being depressed. My guard is back up, to the point that I can literally say I trust absolutely no one and I’m sure that will offend some people but that’s just how I feel. I know the two people on earth/in spirit who I can trust whole heartedly but after that it’s kind of touch and go with me. Mixed signals have me confused, false senses of security have me ticked off, and nagging about stupid things makes me want to put my foot up someone?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s ass.

I’m purposely burying myself in my work so I can avoid speaking to certain people and thinking about Joe (which definitely isn’t working very well – at all). I don’t even really go on AIM anymore; I have no use for it. It’s nothing against anyone personally, I’m just not into it these days. My main focus is to make as much money as possible and put it into my savings account so it can grow faster and I can get the hell out of here or at least get me the means to do so.

That didn’t stop me tonight though. I went to Wal-Mart with my sister. It was my intent to get a nice new messenger bag for under $20 for my laptop. It had to be big enough to hold the laptop, mouse, router and other accessories. I found a really nice one, only mine is baby blue – not pink. It’s padded, it’s roomy, and it’s got so many hidden compartments that I almost pissed myself in excitement. By now, any regular visitor should know how easily amused I am; this bag was it. It wasn’t a bad deal either; $12.96 is a great deal on something like this. I was looking around for laptop bags/cases but they were all either too expensive or too gaudy. So, this works for me.

I still, however, managed to drop $100 in about a half hour. I know I shouldn’t have, but for the most part it was things that I needed. I made a mistake the last time I was there when I bought my shampoo, it wasn’t actually shampoo – I misread the label and got myself two $6 bottles of CONDITIONER so my going back to get the shampoo was important. I also treated myself to a box of cereal, for some reason I’ve been craving Kix and since they’re about $2 more in the super market, I figured Wal-Mart would have a good deal there, and they did :w00t:

I dropped about $50 on my sister, that’s the only reason why the bill came up as high as it did. She randomly threw shit into the cart and I never turned around to say “No” because I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have the energy to do ANYTHING these days, I’m just so warn out, you’d think I was coming down with a cold or something. It’s just my body finally giving up on me I guess. I’m still quick with zingers; I’m just having trouble saying “No” to people, which is why I’m so damn tired. I’m always working on something. For certain people I offer it, so I don’t mind. But the ones that don’t talk to me for six months at a time and then IM me one day with “Could you create a theme for me?” are just really getting on my nerves.

In other news, my table arrived in NJ around 2:30 this afternoon (based on UPS tracking at least) it should hopefully be here before Monday. I’m going to jump the gun and say it will show up tomorrow – but I also said I’d pick up the chairs today and I never did so who knows. It’ll get here whenever it gets here and I guess that’s all that matters. My local King Kullen Supermarket is having its Memorial Day Sale so the chairs are marked down to about $5.99 each. This means I don’t have to find a way out to East Meadow, I can just have daddy take the roof off the Jeep and we can go pick them up. I’m not getting the bench for a few weeks, its unimportant. The shades can wait too. I just want the chairs, that’s all. Besides, for the time being I can just throw the two extra chairs in the corner with my neighbors coffee table and it can easily take the place of the bench. Problem solved.

I know I’m rambling, and I’m sure I’m boring you so I’m just going to hit “Post” and shut down for the night.

Posted in Randomage, Soul Mate | 13 Comments »

Screw April…yay May!

Monday, May 1st, 2006

As of midnight it’s officially May. In keeping with the usual “new theme every month” routine, there’s a new template up. I thought it felt very spring-like without being a total eyesore, to me at least. I’m happy with how it came out though. I haven’t really experimented with colors this way before so I was glad to do it.

Work Related…
I’ve been kind of busy lately. I’m happy to announce that I’ve landed a very, very big client and I’ll be working with him for the next couple of weeks. I’m getting about $1800 from this project and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m to a point now where I have a whopping $52.54 in my bank account and there are quite a few bills to pay. Fortunately I’ve got the servers on credit for the month, so I’m going to wind up having to pay them off when I get the remaining 80% from this client. That’s not too big of a deal though, I’m not overly concerned. Tony knows I’m good for the money and that’s all that matters.

I’m just going to be VERY, VERY busy for the next couple of weeks. I don’t mind though, I kind of need that right now. April 27th 2006 would have been Joe’s 25th birthday. Unfortunately, since his death, I haven’t really done any work. I’ve done a few odd and end jobs, but other then that I haven’t really done any corporate based accounts (that’s where the real money is). Thankfully this client will get me out of my rut. All summer plans should now be full speed ahead.

Laptop Related…
I jumped the gun a few weeks ago and already purchased my wireless router. It only cost me like $5 so it was definitely not a dent in any sort of spending budget. The router originally was $69.99, it was on sale for $49.99 and I had about $50 in gift certificates to Circuit City. I basically just paid tax on it. So, I’ve got my router. In a few weeks (when I get my final check from this client) I’ll be heading to HP.com and putting my order through on the dv800z laptop. After configuration and tax, and before the $50 mail-in rebate, it’s going to run me $1,423; which is fine considering that’s $77 under budget. I’m still getting $50 back on it so then it’s really $127 under budget. I’ll then be heading to NewEgg.com and ordering my mouse and flash drive. My printer is a piece of shit, so I’ll be unable to network it so that I can print from the Laptop. The flash drive is easier than hooking up a USB/ZIP drive and transferring everything over. So I’ll just spend $15 on a 1-gb flash stick and the rest is history.

School Related…
I’m still waiting to hear something from school. I was finally emailed back about my essays. I sent the essays out on April 3rd, apparently they didn’t get there until April 11th, which I find to be a bit weird considering they were only sent upstate. I don’t know how long it takes for them to actually GRADE the essays and I’ll tell you that it’s ticking me off to no end that they haven’t even been looked at yet. I worked really, really hard on them and it’s kind of annoying that they’re taking their sweet time. I’m thinking that’s based on the fact that I’m paying for school monthly though. If I would have just given them the $550 up front, I’m sure that it would have been graded already. But since I have another 10 months left before it’s fully paid off, then obviously they can take all the time they want.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep pushing it though. I’d like to get my degree ASAP damn it.

Miscellaneous…
Tax season has come and gone. Dad’s getting back about $5,000 and I owe money, but hey – that’s life! He’s made it a point to say that he’s going to be getting new couches for the living room. Many of you may (or may not) know that a little over a year ago I bought a big double seater wicker chair off Ebay. It was in my room for the first six months or so and then we started moving things around for Christmas and realized we needed another couch in there. So now, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m couch-less. At the time of my purchase, we only had a loveseat and a chair in the living room. The love-seat we’ve had for about 10 years and it was falling apart when we got it. So now, we’re going to head over to some close-out furniture store and pick up a nice new set for about $500. I kind of thought it was going to be an uncomfortable set considering the price, but once I sat down I was in HEAVEN, my back didn’t bother me AT ALL and that’s a very, very rare thing these days. So thankfully in a few weeks I’ll be able to get my couch back in here, this way I’m not stuck in my bed whenever I’m reading. Usually it’s comfortable but now I’m going on six months without any kind of comfort what so ever. :hmph:

So if you haven’t already picked up on it, I’m rather excited about May. March and April turned out to be some very shitty months, I’ll be glad to start picking up and moving on. I’m still very upset about Joe’s passing, but for the most part I know that he’s still here with me, and that’s helping me to wake up in the morning. I guess that’s all that matters.

Site Related
I’ve gotten myself back into a few comment sites. Despair, Exentrique and of course Xposure. Sofar I’m content with them, I’ve already been yelled at by a member or two because I report users who don’t comment, sorry for ya but I follow the rules…unlike you. I’ve wanted to get Provance back up and running for quite some time but am unable to afford the script. I’m really, really ticked off that Russ bought it and let it fucking die the way it did. I’d beat him for it, if he wasn’t MIA for crying out loud.

AcidGloss Related
After a very long down time AcidGlossNET is finally back up and running. My portfolio, as well as design site is all setup into one big site that I’m actually HAPPY with. I intend to add more to it over time, but it’s going to take a little while. I figure, in order to keep on top of things, I’ll just add sites as I create them. It makes things easier.

In any event, this post has gotten a little too long and I’m sure you’re growing bored of it, so I’m going to head off.

What do you guys think of the new theme? Is it colorful enough for you? haha

Posted in School, Sitely, Soul Mate, Work | 26 Comments »

I’m just confused…

Friday, April 14th, 2006

After Joe died, I had no concentration level whatsoever. It took me almost a month to get back into the swing of things, especially with school.

I finally picked myself up and said “Okay, it’s time to get back to business.” I went ahead and completed the multiple-choice questions connected to my final course (English). I also completed the two essays required for this particular module. Upon the completion of this module, I’m basically finished with school. All I have to do is wait for them to grade the essays and then send me my degree.

The problem: They’re taking their fucking sweet assed time grading my essays!

I’ve worked very hard to get into school, and twice as hard to maintain a 95/100 average. I’ve emailed them three times and no response IN A WEEK. I’ve called them, and it seems that ALL OF THEIR LINES WERE BUSY! I’m so completely and totally annoyed about this, it’s not even funny.

I want to get a job outside of the house that doesn’t require bagging groceries. No there’s nothing wrong with bagging groceries – it’s a living…but not one that I want to do again. Been there, done that!

All I want is to get my degree so I can head up to the hospital and file an application. Then I can finally get out of the house during the day instead of sitting here WAITING like a little puppy for work to come in.

Is that so wrong of me? Am I like shooting my goals TOO HIGH? I just don’t understand?¢‚Ǩ¬¶I really don’t. I’m almost completely at the end of my rope. People are dropping like flies around me, I have hardly any money coming in (other than hosting fee’s that all go right back to the server). I just don’t get it.

In situations like these, the one person I would go to is Joe. He was my crutch and that crutch is long since gone. And even though I’ve turned into a schizoid and still talk to him on occasion as though he’s sitting right here, there’s never any kind of response that sets my mind at ease. I know it’s pathetic, I’m fully admitting to that. I just don’t know how to deal with it any other way. It’s been a month (as of April 7th) and I’m still waiting for him to call me and tell me it was all just a cruel joke and he’s been on vacation or something.

How does someone get through the rest of their life when their life-line has basically been sliced, diced, and julienned? Please, answer this for me because I really don’t understand.

I’ve had people tell me that I have to start taking care of myself, I have the ability to get through things on my own, blah blah blah. I am independant, that’s not the point. Everyone, no matter who you are, has that ONE person in their life that they can go to for emotional support. Whether it be a family member, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, that person is there for you 100% whenever you need them.

Yes, I have Alicia, John, Heather, Christie, Stick Boy, Miranda, and the list continues. I love them all, but all of them combined will never have the same kind of effect on me that Joe did. He was at my beck and call for six years, six fucking years, and now I’m left here in the dark wondering when he’s going to pop up and let me know that everything will be ok.

I’ve closely considered going to one of those John Edward seminars, but there would really be no point in that. The only questions I have for Joe are very simple ones that are yes and no answers. One of those “Tap twice for yes, once for no” kind of responses.

#1 – Did you die peacefully? Yes, I’m aware of the fact that you were in constant pain because of your illness, and were very sick the night that you passed away. But was it a very painful death or did you just fall asleep and not wake up?

#2 – Are you still here? I just need to know if you’re still watching over me the way you used to. Always being at my side was something you probably did better than anyone. Yes, we faught, every relationship has its downfalls, but are you still at least here to keep an eye on me and nudge me when I’m doing something stupid?

#3 – Are you proud of me? You were the driving force behind my going back to school, you were going to be there to see me through it and help me with anything I didn’t understand. You held up to your end of the bargain, you showed up here when you were supposed to go somewhere else just to help me get through my Chemistry homework. Why couldn’t you be here long enough to see that it paid off and I’m finally graduating? I looked to you for everything because I know you’d never steer me in the wrong direction. Are you at least proud that I’ve now reached my goal?

I’ve written the same three questions down over, and over again. Few have told me to write him a letter, that’s as far as I can go without completely and totally breaking down. Yes, that are three literal questions from my private journal.

I’m just……BAH!

Posted in School, Soul Mate | 4 Comments »

Long time…no post?

Sunday, April 2nd, 2006

It’s been such a long time since I actually had the drive to blog. There’s really not anything going on right now though. I’m still having trouble with Joe’s passing, so much that being alone at night is really starting to get to me. I’m always anxious about something and it’s truly a pain in the ass at this point. I guess I just need to take a vacation, who knows.

Last Saturday, my aunt talked me into going up to Mohegan Sun with her. The casino is HUGE! I easily got lost a few times LOL. I brought up my last $10 with me, and daddy (for some reason) gave me $50. I managed to blow through his $50 in about 10 minutes, damn slot machines. I did, however, turn my $10 into $600 after I got lucky on TWO very, very nice machines. The issue is though, I got greedy. So instead of cashing out and putting it all in my pocket – I kept going with ‘bet max’ and weaseled myself down to $200. I did cash out after that, I just don’t really remember what happened – money wise – because I only came home with $48. So in reality, I lost only $12, but considering Daddy didn’t want his money back – I’m up $38. That counts for something though, right?

I’ve been putting a few dollars aside lately, and I’d like to get a little nest egg together for my next trip up there. I’m not going to say that I’m ?¢‚ǨÀúhooked’; I just know that I had a very, very good time. It was nice to get off the island for a day or so. We left around 10 am; it was a 3 1/2 hour drive up (thanks to major traffic on the bridge). We were in there for about 14 hours, and then made it home around 7am. I wasn’t that tired though, considering I don’t usually go to sleep until 8-9am anyway. What kind of freaked me out was once I went to lay down I was KNOCKED OUT. That’s not an easy thing to do, at all.

I told daddy that once I graduated, I wanted to go back up there. I’ve been working my ass off all weekend on essays. I’m totally done with all of the multiple choice questions with the course, I’m just down to two completed essays to send in and I’m officially a graduate, I’m happy about it. Heather proof-read it for me, helping me fix my punctuation mainly. So now, although all of that is ‘perfect, I still feel as though the grade is going to be a bad one. At this point, as long as it’s over an 85 – I really could care less.

The next essay that I have to work on is a small auto-biographical one which should really only take me twenty minutes to complete, however, I can’t bring myself to write the last paragraph. The first two were fairly simple; describe where you grew up and who you grew up with, the members of your household, etc. The final paragraph is to write about your most recent memory, and I just can’t do it. Anytime I’ve gone to start, all I can see is Joe laid up in that coffin looking very unlike him because of all the fucking make-up. I’ll eventually get around to knocking it out though. It’s my goal to be finished with it by this evening, and although its 6pm now, that doesn’t mean evening for me, once the sun fully goes down then its evening. So I figure sometime over the course of the next few hours things will fall into place.

I’m still looking for as many jobs as I can find, website wise. I know once all the school stuff is out of the way I’ll be going up to the hospital and applying there. My issue would be that since I don’t have a car, if they went to put me at another hospital…I’d be screwed. I don’t work well on public transportation and there’s no way to get someone to drive me out to Syosset every day, especially if it’s a morning shift. Bad, bad bad.

So if you’re looking for a template, or a domain and hosting, just head over to AGn Solutions, and note that on all weblog based templates, just write down ‘k.nu’ in the subject of your email and I’ll instantly crop 50% off the price, so instead of a WordPress template costing $75-$100, it’ll cost $30-$50.

In any event, I’ve said all I could say. I have to get my mind in gear so I can go write the last paragraph of this essay.

Later all!

Posted in School, Soul Mate, Work | 4 Comments »

What the hell…

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006

I don’t understand how I woke up this morning and knew all of Joe’s passwords and email accounts. Sean said that Joe was telling me everything but I’m just too confused for words at the moment. I got into his gmail account as though he sat here and typed it for me. The password just rolled off my fingers and went from there. I updated his myspace.com account. Not many people on his list are aware of his passing, I also believe that not many of them care.

I have to hand it to him though, even though he knew he was dying he still had his typical player energy going through him. About four girls lined up and the rest went from there. Quite the stinker ain’t he?

In any event, I have a big client to start working on. The freelancer shit might not die out just yet, I picked up a big client for a WordPress template and based on word of mouth – before I’d even STARTED working for this guy, he referred me to two more people. HOT SHIT!

Posted in Soul Mate, Work | 1 Comment »

Confusion.

Monday, March 20th, 2006

Tulips The tulips bloomed this morning, I woke up and the whole vase looked like it grew about 6 inches over night. They’re a nice thing to wake up to considering the shittastic night I had. For some reason when I woke up this morning, something told me to go to Joe’s email accounts and log in. I’d never had the passwords before, so why I knew them today was beyond me. There was nothing really going on in them besides spam email from publishers clearing house and other shit like that. I’m confused though, I still don’t know how I know the passwords. I’m still trying to get onto his myspace account but for some reason every email address I’ve tried has been an invalid one; which I find weird considering I thought I knew them all. Maybe he’ll come to me in a dream and tell me…I don’t know.

Last night I had a very weird dream that him and I were driving along in some huge SUV. All I could think was “I’m sitting next to a driving ghost, how the fuck is this possible?” He didn’t speak, and was wearing the same suit he had on for the wake. I’m even more confused about things now, and I don’t quite understand why. We wound up at another wake, this time it was an old lady who I’d never seen before. I thought at first that it was Joe’s grandmother but she was sitting in the crowd of people crying over the woman in the casket. What really freaked me was the fact that the same old woman was hovering over her own casket looking herself up and down. It really made no sense to me. Joe never said a word, and never looked at me either he was just in the room. Wherever I looked, he was standing there facing to the right. He was stiff though, and his eyes were never open. It was like he was in a standing position without the casket, that’s exactly what he looked like. His arms were crossed to his front. It’s really hard to explain I guess…I just know that I woke up in tears, and I’ve been a basket case all day.

I haven’t been around much, and for good reason. I’m trying to avoid my computer at all costs. The minute I sit down in this chair my stomach begins to act up. All the work that he put into this computer is now eating away at me, I was fine for the last few weeks though…the butterflies are more like boulders bouncing around in my stomach; to the point of nausea. I’m so confused.

My priorities are all fucked up lately, and it’s my own fault. I care more about useless material things than I do about things that should be at the top of my list. I need to bring Bella to the vet for her yearly checkup and what not but I blew through all my money on tattoo’s, random shopping spree’s and preparing for a BBQ this summer that I don’t even think I want anymore. I wanted Joe to be there, I wanted everyone to personally meet the most important person in my life and now it’s just not possible.

I’m hearing different things, from different people. The majority state that Joe’s still with me in spirit and that knowing that should be of some comfort to me, but it’s not. A few have stated that there is no after life so looking forward to death is pointless; which just made me even more uncomfortable. I don’t know what to think, or who to believe. I’m so close to taking out a loan so I can just go talk to that John Edward dude, even though up to this point I’ve been convinced he was a phony.

I can’t get back into the swing of things for work. I tried, but failed miserably. I give up on it though. I no longer wish to freelance, and I no longer want to run AGn-Solutions. I’m thinking of just handing it all over to Tony and have him take care of it. I can’t concentrate anymore. I know for a fact that once I work all of the stuff going on in my head out that I’ll be going back to retail. I could do better than that, I know I could, I just prefer to take the easy route for a change. I don’t care about standing up at a register anymore, I really don’t. Design degrees, or not, it’s not the life I want anymore.

Or I can just void this whole entry and say that it’s just a bad day.

Posted in Randomage, Soul Mate | 8 Comments »

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