What would your choice be?

I know this is in a completely different tone than my previous post, but it’s just been one of those weeks. If you’re overly sensitive to animals, I ask that you not read this entry.

For the past two weeks, Candy hasn’t been doing very well. She’s hardly eating, barely drinks and she’s had four strange episodes where we honestly have no idea what’s wrong with her. She collapses, and it’s not the “legs buckle and fall over”, she just toppled over last Sunday and the next day she was laying down in the living room (first time she’d done that in a few days) and let out this screaming cry that I’ve never heard before and then after a few moments she came out of it and was back to her “old self”. But it wasn’t her old self, she’d very obviously was never going to be “Candy” again. After a very expensive vet visit that afternoon, she then spent the next three days keeping to herself in the bedroom. Karen called for a Saturday appointment to put her down. I know it may seem cruel but here’s some quick background information:

She’s 16 years-old. She doesn’t have a spleen due to a large tumor that was removed a few years ago, and if you never remember anything important from me just remember that the spleen is the “brain” of your immune system. Without it, you can’t fight off any kind of infection, no matter what the dosage of antibiotics you’re using in it’s place. She’s also lost her eye-sight quite drastically over the years, we’re unsure of what she can and can’t see. She’s also hard of hearing, is prone to skin infection, has trouble walking due to brittle bones, and since all of these episodes started she’s lost about 5 pounds in the past week and she’s just not the dog she used to be.

We’re unsure of why but on Friday – Candy seemed to come around and looked to be ‘back to her old self’ even though she was extremely weak. For me it was the feeling of getting better before you pass so that your loved ones can remember you as you were before you got sick. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard of “She was up and walking around, laughing with everyone last night – and then she just took a turn for the worse after we all said our goodbye’s”. Situations like that make me wonder if dogs can think the same way too. They know that their owners don’t want to see them suffering, but I honestly believe the dogs don’t wish to see their owners suffer either. So there’s that one day of “back to normal” so that you can remember them the way they were, not the “too sick to stand” that you’ve now grown accustomed to and began to accept as the part of life we all hate to think about – Death.

Karen couldn’t go through with Saturday and canceled the appointment because of Candy getting better on Friday. We all have looked at it as a false-sense of hope because Candy truly will not get better. When you’ve owned an animal since they were a puppy they aren’t just a member of the family, to her, Candy is her child. Her very hairy child, but her child just the same.

On Saturday morning we woke up to a very loud scream, Candy was having another one of her episodes. Karen now heard the noise that I heard the previous Monday. The one that’s a combination of so many different noises you have no idea what’s going on or where it’s even coming from. It was an upsetting day, rightfully so, and the following was no better. She had another episode where she just started shaking out of no where. For a little while we thought they were seizures but with what we do know about seizures and how we “tested it” while it was happening: Someone who’s having the seizure has no sense of sight at that moment, so when you put your hand near their face they aren’t going to flinch. Candy moved her head away from Karen’s sister’s hand the moment she saw it (during the seizure).

Yesterday was also a pretty rough day. Karen’s sister came out of the bedroom and said that she’s going to take a quick shower and get Karen from work because there’s no way that Candy was going to make it for a few more hours. Her breathing was more shallow than it’s been for the last week and she could smell “death”. If you truly read into everything, you’d know that when your body is breaking down and organs are failing there is a very putrid smell coming out of your mouth and doctors, nurses and anyone who follows anything medically will know this smell. It sickens me, personally, but I knew that smell with Kitty and I honestly thought I’d never have to smell it again, unfortunately I was wrong.

We explained to Sean that he needs to go into the bedroom and say his final goodbye’s because Candy has been around since he was 8 years-old. He didn’t want to believe that it was happening now and went in there, saw that she had shallow breathing and he went to pick her up. He must have jump-started her heart with the jolt of picking her up as quickly as he did but that, I believe, was exactly what needed to be done at that point to insure that Karen has the final decision with Candy, since that is her baby.

I woke up about an hour ago (it’s around 10:30 now) and while my “big thing” for the day was going to be waiting for the Comcast guys to show up so we can get our new boxes and phone-line setup, we also have to leave the house at 4 to go to the Vet where they’ll then put Candy down. I woke up to her sister telling me the appointment was a 4:20, and now while I know her sister and I are going to be there, we’re unsure of whether or not Karen will be able to handle it so we don’t even know if she’s going with us. I know that may seem strange but you have to remember that if you fear death, you can’t handle it when it’s around you for anything – not even your most beloved animal. So as I’m writing this I’m unsure of what’s going to happen with this afternoon, I just know that whoever happens to leave and come home with her sister and I….won’t have Candy with them.

I don’t know what I would do in this situation. Knowing what I know about the vets down here and all of the services that are offered I’d want to have Bella home with me if it were her, but at the same time I wouldn’t want her to suffer and could understand the euthanasia option. It’s just a confusing time for everyone, and an equally emotional one as well.

I’ll post again later, I really feel wrong even being in the office right now.