I don’t know…

I know it’s only been two days since I posted but for some reason it feels more like two weeks. It could have something to do with the constant string of storms or the fact that I’ve woken up at 7am for the last few days, only to fall asleep around 4am the following morning, I have no idea.

I’ve been very anxious the last few days; it’s kind of that weird feeling of everything coming together where I’m both excited, but sad about it too. I’m sure it makes no sense to you but that’s basically how it feels to me, and we all know I’ve never been one to make much sense anyway.

I’m extremely happy that my laptop will be here sometime in the next two weeks. I’m very happy my patio will be setup the way I’ve wanted it to be for the last three years. I’m very ticked off that people are on my case about things that don’t concern me, and I’m extremely upset that even with the good things, I don’t have Joe to share it with. I know it’s been two months, and there are few people who say “Get over it and move on.” because that’s just how my family works, but every day I wake up thinking about him and I can honestly say that time heals JACK SHIT.

I’m depressed and I don’t like being depressed. My guard is back up, to the point that I can literally say I trust absolutely no one and I’m sure that will offend some people but that’s just how I feel. I know the two people on earth/in spirit who I can trust whole heartedly but after that it’s kind of touch and go with me. Mixed signals have me confused, false senses of security have me ticked off, and nagging about stupid things makes me want to put my foot up someone?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s ass.

I’m purposely burying myself in my work so I can avoid speaking to certain people and thinking about Joe (which definitely isn’t working very well – at all). I don’t even really go on AIM anymore; I have no use for it. It’s nothing against anyone personally, I’m just not into it these days. My main focus is to make as much money as possible and put it into my savings account so it can grow faster and I can get the hell out of here or at least get me the means to do so.

That didn’t stop me tonight though. I went to Wal-Mart with my sister. It was my intent to get a nice new messenger bag for under $20 for my laptop. It had to be big enough to hold the laptop, mouse, router and other accessories. I found a really nice one, only mine is baby blue – not pink. It’s padded, it’s roomy, and it’s got so many hidden compartments that I almost pissed myself in excitement. By now, any regular visitor should know how easily amused I am; this bag was it. It wasn’t a bad deal either; $12.96 is a great deal on something like this. I was looking around for laptop bags/cases but they were all either too expensive or too gaudy. So, this works for me.

I still, however, managed to drop $100 in about a half hour. I know I shouldn’t have, but for the most part it was things that I needed. I made a mistake the last time I was there when I bought my shampoo, it wasn’t actually shampoo – I misread the label and got myself two $6 bottles of CONDITIONER so my going back to get the shampoo was important. I also treated myself to a box of cereal, for some reason I’ve been craving Kix and since they’re about $2 more in the super market, I figured Wal-Mart would have a good deal there, and they did :w00t:

I dropped about $50 on my sister, that’s the only reason why the bill came up as high as it did. She randomly threw shit into the cart and I never turned around to say “No” because I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have the energy to do ANYTHING these days, I’m just so warn out, you’d think I was coming down with a cold or something. It’s just my body finally giving up on me I guess. I’m still quick with zingers; I’m just having trouble saying “No” to people, which is why I’m so damn tired. I’m always working on something. For certain people I offer it, so I don’t mind. But the ones that don’t talk to me for six months at a time and then IM me one day with “Could you create a theme for me?” are just really getting on my nerves.

In other news, my table arrived in NJ around 2:30 this afternoon (based on UPS tracking at least) it should hopefully be here before Monday. I’m going to jump the gun and say it will show up tomorrow – but I also said I’d pick up the chairs today and I never did so who knows. It’ll get here whenever it gets here and I guess that’s all that matters. My local King Kullen Supermarket is having its Memorial Day Sale so the chairs are marked down to about $5.99 each. This means I don’t have to find a way out to East Meadow, I can just have daddy take the roof off the Jeep and we can go pick them up. I’m not getting the bench for a few weeks, its unimportant. The shades can wait too. I just want the chairs, that’s all. Besides, for the time being I can just throw the two extra chairs in the corner with my neighbors coffee table and it can easily take the place of the bench. Problem solved.

I know I’m rambling, and I’m sure I’m boring you so I’m just going to hit “Post” and shut down for the night.