I’m trying so hard…
I decided to go ahead and take everything down for a little while. I have no intent on doing anything with this domain, until further notice at least. In all honesty, I don’t know if I even want to come back.
Joe’s death is a major wakeup call. I truly thought he’d be the one person who’d be in my life forever. Tomorrow is the wake, Saturday is the funeral, and after that I’ll probably have myself locked away in my room until I can completely process everything.
This situation has hit me hard, harder than I thought it would and I know that this is only the beginning. I truly believe that the moment I see his pale lifeless face that I’ll break down worse than I have in the last few days. Alicia’s been my main support since Tuesday night. I think we’ve spent more time together in the last two days then we had in the last six months. She’s known for the past week or so that I was going to eventually get another tattoo. Yesterday just felt right for some reason. I went with my shamrocks, but added a Chinese symbol to it. It’s the symbol for “Dragon” the same one Joe had on his shoulder. This way I always have a constant reminder of him. I’m not going to be one of those people that say?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s “I’ll remember you forever” then in six months forget the persons name. Joe means a lot more to me than anyone else and his not being here anymore is kind of like someone chopping my legs off. I just don’t feel whole anymore.
I’m not going to be corny and say “He completes me” because that’s stupid Hollywood shit that doesn’t really happen. He was a huge part of my life, though. I had a bond with him that I’ll never have with anyone else and that scares me. I don’t scare easily, I don’t break down easily. It takes a lot to get me upset about something and this proves it. I sat in that chair last night getting my tattoo and I didn’t wince, cringe, shed a tear or even shudder for a moment. It was like I didn’t even feel it because I was already numb to begin with. I don’t particularly like that feeling, at all.
Shaun, Sean, Heather, John, and Stick Boy have also been there for me. They’ve allowed me to rant excessively because they understand that if I keep talking I’ll eventually calm myself down. I can’t watch TV without thinking about him, and it’s really pathetic but it’s true. He had his handful of favorite shows that he watched daily while he was doing his homework. I found myself browsing through them today thinking “Damn, he should see this” knowing that he probably already has.
I’m not even sure if I want to go ahead and redo my patio because he was truly the reason for me doing it in the first place. He was going to be up here all summer with me so we could be each others company while we were working outside. Now I don’t have that, and it just feels weird.
I guess I’m still in denial. I’m still convinced this is all a dream and when I wake up tomorrow he’ll be knocking on my door. I’m fully aware of the fact that that isn’t the case though. I’ve been through every emotion I could possibly go through and I don’t think I’m done. I want to be content with life again. This is a big bump in the road, and I know it’ll take time to move on…I just don’t understand it.
I’m the kind of person that needs to know the meaning behind everything. In order for me to process something completely there can be no unanswered questions. This entire situation is an unanswered question so I really don’t know how to go about processing it. I’ve found myself sitting here at night, just talking to myself as if he was in the room. I know it all sounds pathetic, but that’s just how I’ve been for the last two days. I got to the point of almost screaming at him to show himself just to let me know he was by my side, and to just answer the questions I had for him. I know it would never happen but for some reason it had a calming affect on me.
Dreaming has been equally as difficult. He’s shown up a few times but I could never seem to get any questions answered. And for some reason, his face is only there for a few moments, and then I’m talking to the back of his head for the rest of it. I know there was a hug thrown in there at some point and I just woke up hysterical.
Reading this entry brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been where you are now, losing someone so young and unexpectedly. Nothing anyone can say will be able to make this better for you, the only thing that will help is time. Cry your hardest, write him a letter he can have with him always – do something that will make it a little easier if possible. It doesn’t work for everyone, but I know that after doing things like that, I felt like some of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Bereavement is not a nice thing to go through. Even a year and a half after it happened to me I still feel a lump in my throat when I realize that person it no longer here, but it’s not as bad as it was. Think to yourself that he’s in a better place and all that if it works for you – it didn’t for me, but I have come to accept that people have to die and there is nothing you can do about it other than to continue living your life the way they wanted you to, because being upset is something they would never have wanted. I know it’s not a lot of comfort to hear it, but what you’re feeling is normal. Be strong. It does get better, I promise. *Hugs*
Well fortunately I haven’t been where you are. I mean I’ve lost two grandfathers but the relationships with them were not so close being that they were both of the non emotion showing type of male group. Up until my grandfather died he still didn’t show much emotion thank god the other one braced the fact that he was leaving and started to live life the way he had probably always wanted to.
Still I’ve never lost anyone that has been a constant daily influence but I can tell you something about it. My father in law died around 2 years ago. He was my husband’s best friend. My husband still isn’t over it. If anything we are convinced he visits us more and more now. Kevin dreams about him almost nightly and they say that is the person’s way of coming to you. I guess dropping coins is a big one as well.
But we had a conversation about it the other day just death in general. I told him that at least he didn’t have any regrets with his dad. He knew the relationship was the way he would have wanted it to be and wouldn’t change a thing. No fighting tore them apart. No emotions were unshown. They hugged, they kissed, they shared and there is just something to be said for that.
At least if nothing else makes sense know that he was here for some reason. He had a purpose in life and whatever it was you got to share it with him. You have to keep plugging along no matter how hard, because you too have a purpose in life.
And that purpose is to blog and keep me sane:) Ok I’m kidding, you are going to do far bigger things than that! Know I’m here if you need me, god knows I’ve blubbered on your shoulder my fair share of times. And the tattoo is excellent, I’m all for tattoo tributes to people. That’s just something between you and him!
my thoughts are with you. I’m so sorry girl!
redo your patio, he would want you to!! keep watching his shows!!! i’m serious. This is probably the most difficult time of your life……i can see that through your post. He most likely will knock on your door from time to time, and you will probably see him in your dreams. Just because someone leaves our physical existance doesn’t mean they leave YOU. I promise. My dad/best friend/like a father to my son died almost 2 years ago, and i thought it was the end of the world, and uh yeah it was, and still is sometimes…….. i just work it day to day, minute by minute even 2 years later. sometimes i see my dad in my dreams, sometimes i can feel that i know he wants me to do something. My heart and thoughts are with you 100% even though i don’t “know” you. Just think…… he will be there to hold open the doors for you someday, when you leave the physical realm.
nothing i can say will help you through this difficult time, just know i feel for you right now. 🙂 🙁
wow krissy im sorry. it must be hard for you right now but you cant lock yourself up. you need to get out and live. i really hope you feel better. and im here for you if you need me. =)
*hug* I’m so sorry Krissy. Losing a good friend is one of the hardest things in life. You’ll make it through the pain and eventually be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, but eventually it will come. I know we’ve never really spoken outside of comments, but if you need me, I’m here to talk to 🙂
You WILL get over it. To the point where you’ll at least be able to enjoy your life again. But don’t try to force yourself to do any of that already or any time soon. You have every right to be incredibly sad, incredibly angry and incredibly lost.
Try not to think too far into the future, hard as it may be. All you can handle right now is taking life one step at a time. I’m glad you have some great people who will let you rant and cry when you need to. Eventually you’ll be able to get back on your feet and move on, but it will take you a lot of time. Give yourself that time.
I am very, very sorry that you lost a good friend. I wish you much strength today at the funeral and in the days, weeks and months to come.
I was just reading over your blog.. and I know that we don’t know each other or anything, but I thought I’d let you know that things will get better.. I haven’t experienced losing anyone unexpectedly, not even close. I wish I could just let you know that everything would turn out alright, but the truth is, I don’t know nor can tell you how it will turn out.
I know I’m really a stranger, but if you ever felt the need to talk to someone you hardly know just to vent, feel free to contact me. I don’t want to be intruding, but I just know everyone needs some sort of outlet in one way or another.
I hope things look brighter soon.. I am sure you will be strong and hold your friend close to your heart and in your memories as who he was.
aww, krissy.
i am so sorry about your friend Joe’s death.