Close to losing it…

I’m to a point in my life where nothing really matters.  I’m sick of how my life is going but I’m in the “Just Do It” state of mind because there are more important factors involved.  I hate my job but I do it because I have bills to pay and a dog to take care of.  I hate my living situation but I deal with it because I know that at some point in time it’s going to improve and I’ll be able to afford to just finally be out on my own and not have to worry about anything but making sure I can clear the Rent that month.

I don’t like the fact that just about everyone I know is off doing their own thing so I never get to see them anymore and I hate that there are people in my past that my mind can not stop thinking about even though I let go of them a few years ago.  Ever since I moved back up here I’ve felt as though my past is catching up to me and I just can’t seem to drop it.  It’s as though any unfinished business from 10+ years ago is on the verge of busting out unless I do something about it.

I had a dear friend in high school that one day just kind of walked away – for no real reason.  And based on how close we were it’s always confused me as to how the Jock Strap way of life was more important than someone who truly cared about you and visa-versa.  I never quite understood it, and it’s really beginning to bug me because there are so many markers in my life that trigger thoughts of this person and I just can not seem to get them out of my head.

I work with a guy who I went to school with and the two of them were friends.  He recently saw him and brought my name up and this guy was like “Oh yea, I haven’t seen her in years I should get in touch with her!”  The thing that bothers me about him saying that is the fact that he was so quick to walk away and now he’s interested in reconnecting.  Maybe I’m just looking into things too deeply but it bothers me to no end and I really don’t understand why.  How could you completely disregard someone’s existance even though you saw them every single day and then 6 years later feel as though it would be a fantastic idea to just pick up where things were left?  Would you not expect there to be a lot of questions involved in that? Mainly – “What could I have possibly done in the first place?”  Either way I’m going to make every effort in the world to avoid the situation.  It just baffles me to no end.

Considering I’m working a 10 hour shift tomarrow I think it’s time to head to bed.  I need to finish catching up on some text messages first.  I’m way behind on those – heh.  Thank god for a QWERTY keyboard and unlimited in network messaging haha.

Side Note – I received an email tonight that was really kind of strange.  But just to be a brat I’m going to answer it here.  FYI – Sean and I are still together, we live together, I just don’t update my website often enough to talk about him and he’s too busy working for 4 different people to really have the time to throw his personal life online as well.  So instead of coming to the conclusion that we broke up please ask before you make assumptions.  Kthnx.