NO! I’M NOT OK!

I know that I’ve noted in previous entries that it was my goal to post more often.  Unfortunately the series of events that have happened over the past month have given me the lack of a drive to do so.  So while I appreciate an email every now and again asking how things are going, my honest response really is that I’M NOT DOING OK!  Anytime someone asked me something in the past I noted that I was fine…and even though I have never been fine….that’s just not the truth anymore.

I’m still taking Lucy’s death very, very hard.  It’s a lot different than Joe’s passing, but hurtful just the same.  With Joe, I knew he was going to die I just never believed it for my own selfishness.  He was sick for a very long time and it was only a matter of time before it caught up with him.

With Lucy, however, she wasn’t sick at all.  She was a very healthy person, she ate like a fat girl and was stuck in a skinny body but health wise, a random cold like any normal adult would be the only thing to get to her.  So being as she was in such a horrible car accident, the shock of waking up every morning without her being around is really beginning to take its toll on me.  I haven’t yet had my break down, I’ve been very weepy and depressed, but no breakdown in sight.  Typically they happen at the worst possible time and I honestly thought that the drive out to Deer Park was going to be worse for my weepyness but that ended in a few minutes, mainly once we got off of the 107-S.  I cried for a few minutes, a song triggered an old memory of when things were so much easier.  Unfortunately that’s just about all it did…it just triggered memories that I’ve been constantly replaying in my head but have been unable to show any strong emotions with it.  So yea, that’s where I stand with that.  It’s painful, and I just can’t seem to cry enough to the point that I just feel guilty.  I don’t know if my emotions have completely been shut off or what, but you’d think that with EVERYTHING going on right now I’d be able to be more than a zombie.

To add insult to injury – The growth on Bella’s stomach has been removed.  The biopsy results confirm that it was cancer, and now I need to bring her to a specialist to continue treatment.  I’m already putting in 40+ hours a week at work, and this just means that I’m going to have to step up on my design work so I can bring in some more money for the months ahead.  It really sucks that when things just start to get well and Sean and I get ahead on bills that some major thing just blows up in our faces.  He and I have also been having some trouble lately, but we know what’s wrong and we know what needed to be taken out of the situation and now we’re working on it.  I’m still completely and whole-heartedly pissed about it but everyone knows where they stand now.

So essentially, my reason for not having a complete emotional breakdown is due to the fact that I haven’t yet been able to deal with any single thing lately, there’s multiple things on my plate right now and I don’t really know which one to start with.  There’s a lot of changes at work, there’s changes in my love life, there’s changes in my family, and there are people missing who deserve to be here.  I still don’t understand why useless fat assholes are walking the earth refusing to do a damn thing with their lives and the “gods” take someone that was on a set path for greatness.  It confuses the shit out of me and just makes me bitter towards humanity in general.  Everyone wants something for nothing, no one wants to get off their asses and put in an honest days work because there’s always the “easy route”, but people like Lucy who were working and going to school to succeed in life – are just taken away from it.

Pat and I have spoken a bit over the course of the last month and he blew me away the first night at Lucy’s tree (it’s really done up, if you’re on 107-N going into Glen Cove you’ll know EXACTLY where it is), and he went on to tell me how even though he hasn’t physically been around for a while because of his bands schedule and what-not, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t working really hard to give Lucy the life and friendship she deserved.  He wanted her there when the band hits it big because she’s entitled to have friends that take her all over the place and where she gets the perks of celebrity, and everything else they’re working on.  And it really is true…she deserved so much better than she ever go.  All I could do is love and care for her, which is what friends do.  The perks of our friendship was she ate very well and if there was more than a 10 minute period of her not laughing and smiling when she was with me, that just means I had to push that much harder.

She deserved the ultimate happiness in life, not to die.  It’s as simple as that.