Bad day…

I know this has happened to almost everyone but…has there been ONE song that truly makes you think about everything going on in your life?

My problem is that there are two songs right now that literally bring me to tears. I know it’s kind of stupid but with my emotional state for the last six months…I just don’t know how to deal with it any other way.

Song #1 – “Let Go” by 12 Stones

Song #2 – “Far Away” by Nickleback

I had an intense dream about Joe last night that’s got me in this funk. I’ll describe it as best I can…

I’d just gotten off work and I walked in the front door, turned the corner and then saw him sitting at the computer in the living room. It didn’t look like HIM though…I mean, it did but he was like 80lbs lighter than I remember him. The first thing he did was stand up and hug me. Now in all my previous dreams of him, he just kind of floated around me and answered my questions. I physically got to feel him in this dream and that’s probably why I’m in this funk. He went on to tell me that he wasn’t really ‘dead’ he’s just ‘living another life’. But then every question there after was kind of like a riddle. We sat there for what seemed like hours just talking about everything going on in life. What he’s doing, where he’s been…who he’s been spying on…then he went on to discuss things going on with me at the moment and for some reason I felt completely at ease. The thing is…I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying…I was too preoccupied with the fact that I got to actually FEEL him again. I got to look him in the eye when I told him how much I missed him and how much I love him. And for the first time in six months he actually said it back. He told me that it’s hard to miss me because he’s always around me (in some form or another) but my reason for missing him is based on the fact that I can’t physically see him there when he is. He told me that the shooting stars at night are him, the gusts of wind when I call his name are him and the knocking that I heard the night I’d found out he died was also him.

All of my questions were answered, he introduced me to someone who we were both connected to and everything at that moment just felt right. I no longer had doubts, I no longer had guilt…I felt ‘home’…I haven’t felt ‘home’ in so long…because hasn’t been with me.

I didn’t want the dream to end. I was so mad at myself for waking up but that doesn’t help the fact that ever since I woke up I’ve been a complete and total basket case. I was watching “Boy Meets World” this afternoon, it was the episode when Topanga moves away and then ‘sneaks out’ of her house to go back to Cory and then Cory goes out of his way to tell his parents what he feels is love. But all I could think about is what would I do if Joe just magically appeared at my door and it was for real…it wasn’t a dream.

The one line that sticks out the most for me right now is “‘Cause with you, I’d withstand all of hell to hold your hand” and I honestly feel this way…I just want one more day. I want to be able to look him in the eye IN REAL TIME and let him know everything.

I wish I knew what brought this on…I really do. I just feel so pathetic for feeling this way when I thought I was beginning to move on with my life.

I don’t know how much work I’m going to get done today…there’s an episode of “Drew Carey” on right now where Drew is playing the trumpet…Joe played the trumpet and anyone who’s met Joe and knows what Drew Carey looks like…they’d know he has the same ‘head bob’ so that isn’t helping me much either. I just don’t know…there are so many signs pointing to things right now that I don’t want to think about.

I’m supposed to be the one who’s sane all the time because I’m usually the one dealing with everyone else’s shit…but I can’t bring myself to get out of bed right now. I just don’t understand it. I think I’m going to go back to bed, I have no concentration at the moment.