I’m just confused…

After Joe died, I had no concentration level whatsoever. It took me almost a month to get back into the swing of things, especially with school.

I finally picked myself up and said “Okay, it’s time to get back to business.” I went ahead and completed the multiple-choice questions connected to my final course (English). I also completed the two essays required for this particular module. Upon the completion of this module, I’m basically finished with school. All I have to do is wait for them to grade the essays and then send me my degree.

The problem: They’re taking their fucking sweet assed time grading my essays!

I’ve worked very hard to get into school, and twice as hard to maintain a 95/100 average. I’ve emailed them three times and no response IN A WEEK. I’ve called them, and it seems that ALL OF THEIR LINES WERE BUSY! I’m so completely and totally annoyed about this, it’s not even funny.

I want to get a job outside of the house that doesn’t require bagging groceries. No there’s nothing wrong with bagging groceries – it’s a living…but not one that I want to do again. Been there, done that!

All I want is to get my degree so I can head up to the hospital and file an application. Then I can finally get out of the house during the day instead of sitting here WAITING like a little puppy for work to come in.

Is that so wrong of me? Am I like shooting my goals TOO HIGH? I just don’t understand?¢‚Ǩ¬¶I really don’t. I’m almost completely at the end of my rope. People are dropping like flies around me, I have hardly any money coming in (other than hosting fee’s that all go right back to the server). I just don’t get it.

In situations like these, the one person I would go to is Joe. He was my crutch and that crutch is long since gone. And even though I’ve turned into a schizoid and still talk to him on occasion as though he’s sitting right here, there’s never any kind of response that sets my mind at ease. I know it’s pathetic, I’m fully admitting to that. I just don’t know how to deal with it any other way. It’s been a month (as of April 7th) and I’m still waiting for him to call me and tell me it was all just a cruel joke and he’s been on vacation or something.

How does someone get through the rest of their life when their life-line has basically been sliced, diced, and julienned? Please, answer this for me because I really don’t understand.

I’ve had people tell me that I have to start taking care of myself, I have the ability to get through things on my own, blah blah blah. I am independant, that’s not the point. Everyone, no matter who you are, has that ONE person in their life that they can go to for emotional support. Whether it be a family member, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, that person is there for you 100% whenever you need them.

Yes, I have Alicia, John, Heather, Christie, Stick Boy, Miranda, and the list continues. I love them all, but all of them combined will never have the same kind of effect on me that Joe did. He was at my beck and call for six years, six fucking years, and now I’m left here in the dark wondering when he’s going to pop up and let me know that everything will be ok.

I’ve closely considered going to one of those John Edward seminars, but there would really be no point in that. The only questions I have for Joe are very simple ones that are yes and no answers. One of those “Tap twice for yes, once for no” kind of responses.

#1 – Did you die peacefully? Yes, I’m aware of the fact that you were in constant pain because of your illness, and were very sick the night that you passed away. But was it a very painful death or did you just fall asleep and not wake up?

#2 – Are you still here? I just need to know if you’re still watching over me the way you used to. Always being at my side was something you probably did better than anyone. Yes, we faught, every relationship has its downfalls, but are you still at least here to keep an eye on me and nudge me when I’m doing something stupid?

#3 – Are you proud of me? You were the driving force behind my going back to school, you were going to be there to see me through it and help me with anything I didn’t understand. You held up to your end of the bargain, you showed up here when you were supposed to go somewhere else just to help me get through my Chemistry homework. Why couldn’t you be here long enough to see that it paid off and I’m finally graduating? I looked to you for everything because I know you’d never steer me in the wrong direction. Are you at least proud that I’ve now reached my goal?

I’ve written the same three questions down over, and over again. Few have told me to write him a letter, that’s as far as I can go without completely and totally breaking down. Yes, that are three literal questions from my private journal.

I’m just……BAH!