Love, Always and Forever…
On March 7th, 2006 at 8:31pm I received a phone call from Joe’s father. I was told to sit sit down, and then told that he had some very bad news. Joe has passed away. After 3 hours of letting it stir in my mind, I called his house – just hoping that someone played a cruel joke…it was true. He was 24 years old. They believe it was his sleep apnea because he wasn’t wearing his mask to bed. When you stop breathing at night, eventually it kicks back in but for now (until the toxicology report is completed) they believe he just stopped breathing and never restarted. It took me a few minutes to realize it was true, but I’ve been a basket case ever since.
Joe was more than my best friend and has been for the past 5-6 years. I remember the day we met, I remember all of the shit we went through, and I remember every little fight and every little detail. I keep seeing his face and just wanting to punch something, but my hands are already raw from hitting any and everything I could find. I can’t handle the pain right now. Yes, I’ve lost people before, and death is never an easy thing. I knew Joe was dying, everyone knew it, I just thought I would have had a few more months with him. I can’t handle this, it’s just too real.
I don’t understand why he had to die yesterday. I don’t understand if he KNEW he was going to die. He brought back his MySpace account, and for some reason this poem was one of his images. I don’t know who the guy was, but something tells me that’s not what Joe was focusing on. His myspace title was “I’m back, for now at least…”. and for the past few days before his death he made amends with ‘enemies’.
His profile – I’m dying…literally. My doc misdiagnosed me, put me on meds that I didn’t need to be on, she didn’t follow all the precautions when prescribing the meds and didn’t do the required blood tests. As such, my liver is fucked up beyond all help and as such, I either need a liver transplant or I need to plan my funeral. I’ll probably just plan for the funeral. :-.. …I don’t fear death and in all actuality, I look forward to it. I”m gonna go to hell and prepare for the rest of ya’s to go there and then I can extract my revenge. 😀
A small part of me believes he committed suicide, but I also think that he’d never give anyone that kind of satisfaction…at least I’d hope. I’m so mad at him for leaving me it’s crippling. I can’t eat, I’ve just barely had two hours of sleep and even those weren’t solid hours, smoking makes me sick and staring at the ceiling is the only thing I can seem to concentrate on.
I have no intent on being around for a while. I’ve already emailed Tony and told him to run things for a while. I don’t see myself posting anytime soon. I’m not going to say this is a ‘hiatus’ message. It’s more like a ‘hold on’ until I’m ready to come back. Looking at this computer, knowing all of the work that he put into building it, is reason enough for me to just sit outside and avoid everyone and everything. This whole apartment is filled with memories. I couldn’t even lay in my own bed without thinking of all the times I fell asleep in his arms.
He’s one of the very few people in my life who proved himself worthy, and now he’s gone. We had a bond I’ll never get with anyone else, and just that alone is killing me inside. I feel so alone, so vulnerable; the two feelings I hate the most in life. I know I have dear friends who care about me, and I believe based on this alone I just won’t take that for granted anymore. But, as much as I love my friends…Joe was that one special one that I know I can’t function without.
The next couple of weeks/months/years are going to be extremely hard on me. I don’t even know any details yet about any arrangements but I can assure you the wake is going to be the hardest part for me. I know if I see his face I’m going to wind up breaking down, worse than I’ve been for the last 10 hours.
This just really isn’t fair. I don’t know what to do, or how to feel. I don’t even know why I’m up at 6:45 in the morning blogging about it, of all fucking stupid and useless things to do. I just needed some kind of an outlet. And it’s killing me because usually in situations like these – he’s the one I go to.
i’m so sorry!! 🙁 *hugs*
my condolances. take your time. hope everything works out.
I’m really sorry to hear about this, and I am here if you need to talk to someone. I want to apologize for bothering you last night about that stupid WP template, but I didn’t know about Joe’s passing until just this morning. Take all the time you need. Everyone at EuphoricMB will be waiting. Until then, be well.
Krissy I’m so sorry. I’m going through kind of the same thing so you need me if u need me to call or talk to u through here I’m here for you.
Krissy… Im here for you… you know that..
Your my bestest friend in the whole world…
He will be greatly missed!
[RIP] Joe Chi
I am SO sorry 🙁
sending hugs as well.
That is such a sad post 🙁
Krissy this sucks so bad. I know it’s hard to lose someone, anyone, but when it’s the one you care about the most it sucks beyond belief.
I was having these same feelings last week. I felt like someone just told me Sydney had cancer and we didn’t know if she would live or die. Now that you’ve posted this I know I have to move on and make the most of what time I might have with her even if it is the rest of her life and mine.
I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you make it through the showing ok. I know it’s hard. I won’t bug you for updates but just know I love reading your blogs it’s one of the few things I can still look forward to!
I know nothing I could say will make it better, so I’ll simply leave you with this: *hug*
I know we’ve had our differences and stuff, but I really wanted to tell you I’m sorry. =( I can only imagine what you’re going through, and how you’re feeling. But I am sorry that you’re going through this.
Nothing I say is going to make this better. Just know that I’m here for whatever you need. He was a beautiful person, and even though he’s gone, you’ll always have the time you had together. Smile, because he’d want you too. If you need anything, you know where I am. :hugs:
I was a friend of Joe’s too, I miss him so much too, he visited me 2 weeks before he died, I too thought it was a cruel joke. I cried all last night. His brother and father called me. I remember the last thing he said to me on monday before he died on Tuesday, he was worried about me b/c i was sick and he wanted to make to make sure i was ok. If you need to talk im on mommietonico on aim
I can’t believe he’s gone we’ve known each other 4 yrs and i miss him so much..
I remember wayyyyyy back in the day reading you blogs about you and Joey… I can’t even imagine what your going through. I’d be a straight up basket case… if not worse if I lost my best friend… just thinking about that almost brings me to tears. whew… You hang in there Chris. My heart goes out to you.
Oh no, Krissy! 🙁
I am so sorry, I don’t think anything I say will help but you’re all (you, his family & friends) in my thoughts!
I’m so sorry, hun. 🙁 I’m here for you all the way, my thoughts are with you. *hugs + hearts*
🙁 *hugs*
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through.
I’m so sorry Krissy, I only hope that things will become easier with time. I hope you can find some peace by taking some time for yourself. I’m thinking of you x
Oh hon, I’m so sorry 🙁 I wish that I could say or do something to make things easier or better but I can’t… I’m here though if you ever need me, k? *hug* ♥
I’m truely sorry, like all these people above me.
Love and best wishes to you and take your time to heal.
I’m deeply sorry. *hug* I wish you and his family the best.
i wish you’d call me.
I found this blog by clicking around. I am so sorry.