Difficult Weekend.

I went to the wake on Friday evening. After hesitating to go in, I walked into the funeral home and saw his name up on the wall. It was just then beginning to hit me that all of this was very, very real. I turn the corner to see everyone facing forward, so I peaked around, saw his face, and then took a v-line to the door to go back outside.

Alicia helped me calm down a bit and then we walked back in and sat all the way at the back of the room. I could still see him but going up to him was going to be the hardest part for me. His brother came back to us, then a few of his friends, followed by his grandmother. She recognized exactly who I was, which I found a little weird considering I hadn’t seen her in about two years. But considering Joe and I saw each other so frequently she got used to my face after a while and it stuck in her head. At least that’s what I’m going to assume. She looked so fragile, I know she’s been sick lately but I’d just felt really bad for her because of how exhausted she was, physically and mentally.

Up near his coffin there were two big boards filled with his pictures. It was kind of like a visual time line from his smallest baby picture, to one of the more recent ones before his death (probably only a few weeks). They all really hit you with the fact that a 24 year old man, who didn’t deserve ANY of what he was dealt, is no longer here.

Joe was an addict when it came to Coca-Cola and Curve cologne. Next to his coffin there was a little table that had a half a bottle of coke, his cologne and other things that were around his room that he used regularly. I’m surprised his computer wasn’t sitting there considering that was like his lifeline/answering machine.

When I did finally get the strength to go up there, I couldn’t kneel for long. I looked right at as his face and was kind of saying “Okay, get up now…the joke is over.” He didn’t move, and it just wasn’t him. They covered him in so much make up that he looked like plastic. His hands were usually scratched up from his evil cat – those were caked in make up as well.

There was a rosary wrapped around his hands, and this really bothered me. He wasn’t a religious person at all. To the point that he knew if he stepped foot into a church it would burn down. During my earlier conversation with his grandmother, she noted how every time she walked passed the coffin she would apologize to him for them putting it on his hands, I found it really calming for some reason and I’m not sure why.

The funeral was early Saturday morning. I had gotten a late start, and then we got lost. First we went too far east, then too far south, and then when we finally found the church they were just ending and would soon be bringing him out to the hurse. When he finally did appear, I noticed no flowers on the coffin and no cars ready to follow. After asking a few people, we got a hold of his ex-girlfriend Natalie and she said that he was going to be cremated.

After talking to Alicia’s boyfriend last night, I became aware of the fact that cremation happens right after the wake. So there’s a chance that he wasn’t even IN the coffin. So now I have absolutely no final good bye, no where to go if I ever just need to sit and stare at his name; nothing. It’s bothering the hell out of me, because now that Joe is gone I’ve turned into a schizoid. I spend the bulk of the day talking to myself as though he’s in the room; Questions where I would already know his answers, I’ll just answer myself right back. Ale had told me today that it’s just a natural thing in this situation but I still feel as though I’m just a useless mental case.

I’ve always been very strong when it comes to dealing with life. I brush everything off my shoulders and can honestly say that 99% of the time if I don’t know you (or want to know you), I don’t give a flying fuck about you or your opinions. There are very few people on Earth that I can truly count on for advice, Joe being one of them.

I’m no longer angry with him; his time was cut short because his body was weak (no matter how strong of a person he was). As Sean has said, it was just a shell; and yes, he’s right about that but it’s a shell that I wasn’t ready to move away from yet. The other day John said I really believe that we see the people that leave us again, when it’s our turn to leave. The problem I’m having with that statement is I’ve seen Joe every single night in my dreams. If I catch a reflection the wrong way I can almost see him sitting on the couch in his usual position. This really was his second home, something he said on numerous occasions. Does this mean it’s my turn or, does it mean that he hasn’t left my side? I don’t understand it.

My anger has shifted though, mainly towards others but it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s not intentional. I’ve spoken to a lot of people over the last week. People I’ve known for a while, people I’ve never met before, and everyone in between. They’ve all had the same thing to say to me. “I know exactly what you’re going through, I’ve been there before.” -or- “I’m feeling the same way you are“. All I can really think as a response is:

NO THE FUCK YOU DON’T!

Yes, I understand people are upset by this or have been in a similar situation where a friend or a member of their family has died. You, however, don’t know MY pain, you don’t know MY history with him, you don’t know MY relationship with him, you don’t know what I lost now that he’s gone. Sure, you’ve lost a great friend. Joe was a great friend to anyone he felt was worthy of that kind of a relationship. I lost a best friend, a lover, a MUTUAL soul mate, and the only reason I’ve remained alive for the last 6 years. So don’t fucking sit there and compare my pain to yours, and visa versa. It will NEVER be on the same level.

I’ve spoken to a few different girls this week whom were all convinced that they and Joe would be dating at some point in the near future. He’s made it ABUNDANTLY clear for the past TWO MONTHS that he was going to die single. He had his mind set on that, so hearing the conversations from these girls I’m sitting there thinking “Why would you make a statement like that knowing that he can’t defend it?”

I don’t understand people, this is proof that I most likely never will. It’s very annoying to me that someone can actually say something like that, to me of all people. What the fuck are you smoking when you make a statement like that to someone who was noted numerous times as someone?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s BEST FRIEND?! If any of that information was even remotely true, I would have known about it. Do you seriously think that him ALMOST dating you is something that he wouldn’t have told me? COME ON!