Confusion.
The tulips bloomed this morning, I woke up and the whole vase looked like it grew about 6 inches over night. They’re a nice thing to wake up to considering the shittastic night I had. For some reason when I woke up this morning, something told me to go to Joe’s email accounts and log in. I’d never had the passwords before, so why I knew them today was beyond me. There was nothing really going on in them besides spam email from publishers clearing house and other shit like that. I’m confused though, I still don’t know how I know the passwords. I’m still trying to get onto his myspace account but for some reason every email address I’ve tried has been an invalid one; which I find weird considering I thought I knew them all. Maybe he’ll come to me in a dream and tell me…I don’t know.
Last night I had a very weird dream that him and I were driving along in some huge SUV. All I could think was “I’m sitting next to a driving ghost, how the fuck is this possible?” He didn’t speak, and was wearing the same suit he had on for the wake. I’m even more confused about things now, and I don’t quite understand why. We wound up at another wake, this time it was an old lady who I’d never seen before. I thought at first that it was Joe’s grandmother but she was sitting in the crowd of people crying over the woman in the casket. What really freaked me was the fact that the same old woman was hovering over her own casket looking herself up and down. It really made no sense to me. Joe never said a word, and never looked at me either he was just in the room. Wherever I looked, he was standing there facing to the right. He was stiff though, and his eyes were never open. It was like he was in a standing position without the casket, that’s exactly what he looked like. His arms were crossed to his front. It’s really hard to explain I guess…I just know that I woke up in tears, and I’ve been a basket case all day.
I haven’t been around much, and for good reason. I’m trying to avoid my computer at all costs. The minute I sit down in this chair my stomach begins to act up. All the work that he put into this computer is now eating away at me, I was fine for the last few weeks though…the butterflies are more like boulders bouncing around in my stomach; to the point of nausea. I’m so confused.
My priorities are all fucked up lately, and it’s my own fault. I care more about useless material things than I do about things that should be at the top of my list. I need to bring Bella to the vet for her yearly checkup and what not but I blew through all my money on tattoo’s, random shopping spree’s and preparing for a BBQ this summer that I don’t even think I want anymore. I wanted Joe to be there, I wanted everyone to personally meet the most important person in my life and now it’s just not possible.
I’m hearing different things, from different people. The majority state that Joe’s still with me in spirit and that knowing that should be of some comfort to me, but it’s not. A few have stated that there is no after life so looking forward to death is pointless; which just made me even more uncomfortable. I don’t know what to think, or who to believe. I’m so close to taking out a loan so I can just go talk to that John Edward dude, even though up to this point I’ve been convinced he was a phony.
I can’t get back into the swing of things for work. I tried, but failed miserably. I give up on it though. I no longer wish to freelance, and I no longer want to run AGn-Solutions. I’m thinking of just handing it all over to Tony and have him take care of it. I can’t concentrate anymore. I know for a fact that once I work all of the stuff going on in my head out that I’ll be going back to retail. I could do better than that, I know I could, I just prefer to take the easy route for a change. I don’t care about standing up at a register anymore, I really don’t. Design degrees, or not, it’s not the life I want anymore.
Or I can just void this whole entry and say that it’s just a bad day.
It sounds like Joe is trying to tell you something. The woman over her casket signifies that she’s still there and will be there as long as the people who love her need her. Joe is still with you, no matter where you go.
I’m so sorry you are feeling so shitty. I know this is going to sound sooooo completely cliche, but I don’t think Joe would want you to give up. I know I don’t know you very well, but I don’t want to see you give up either. I know it’s a very rough time right now and I cannot imagine what you are going through. But I truly think that it will get better. It just takes time.
I’m so sorry hon. I know that there’s really nothing that can be said to help, but I wish I knew of *something*, ya know? *hugs* I do believe Jo’s with you, and as freaky as John Edwards is I think it would be good to see him – it might help the confusion, ya know? Most people in his line of business I don’t believe… but he seems different. The dream’s probably trying to tell you something, but I’m no good at dream interpretation at all so I won’t even hazard a guess. I wish that there was something I could say or do to help… if there is anything hon lemme know ok? ♥
Sorry to hear about the thing with your stomach *comforting hugs* We miss ya!
The tulips look so beautiful!
Get happy soon =]
You could go to the Montel Show website and tell them that you want to talk to Sylvia Brown because you are having this dream, etc. It would all be free at least.
To some level I find all the phsychic people odd, but they seem to know what they are talking about at times. Maybe it’s just a weird vibe they put off because of who they are. Sylvia Brown seems to know some good things and be somewhat legit.
I agree it seems that he is trying to tell you something. People might think I’m weird for saying the things I do but it’s honestly what I believe.
I don’t think the people you love leave you until you are ready to be left. When my father in law was in a coma I stated that he had been dead long before his shell was dead, he was just waiting around for everyone else to get used to the idea. Sure enough when they started to move, he died.
I almost think he is trying to tell you to help someone else cope or to go to this other person for comfort in the coping.
Chalk this up to a bad day and give yourself some time. It’s like a 12 step program it doesn’t just go away it takes major amounts of time. And I don’t want to sound like the overly pessimistic but I’m going through this with my husband right now as well. It’s not that you so much as get over it as you learn to live with it. He’s convinced he will never get over his father’s death but in time it will just come to feel like the way it is now.
Talk to Joe Krissy it will help you I promise. Just embrace that he is there for you and talk to him. And know I’m here for you too:)
Maybe Joe really is still with you spiritually, which is why you somehow woke up knowing his passwords to his email accounts.
It’s a shame you can’t get into the myspace account – I’m sure it’ll come to you soon.
The tulips are looking gorgeous.. such a pretty colourful bunch of flowers!
Nobody knows if there’s an after life, it’s the great unanswered question.
Right now your going through a lot, you have too many thoughts going around your head and the only healer is going to be time and that’s not a cop out, it’s the way it works.
Hey Krissy, I’m so sorry everything is so hard for you right now. I just wanted to say – don’t make any big decisions right now. You put an awful lot of work into Agn so don’t give it up so easily. I agree that you need a break from it all definitely but you know you wouldnt be happy in a normal retail job, you’re doing what you love now – you’ve always said that. There’s a quote “Never make decisions in desolation, make them in consolation” its basically saying that when you’re grieving you shouldnt make big decisons because you need a clear head which you dont have now. Just give yourself a break and separate yourself from everything for a while. Things will work out and you will find calm again soon, I promise.